So, we've reached the point in our program in which my brain gremlins have re-awakened and are babbling nonstop. My brain gremlins are very loud these days. I have had less than 45 minutes of therapy in 2016. Bear with me.
One of my pet peeves, anytime I've lost weight, has been the shift in treatment I receive from others. People who barely had time for me suddenly want to be my bosom buddy. People who claimed to be my bosom buddies begin to treat me like the devil incarnate because I'm half the woman I used to be. I'm betraying my kind by losing weight. I'm worthy of attention because I'm losing weight. Suddenly all topics of conversation shift to weight and appearance. I get to endure other belittling themselves, looking for me to praise them, because I am obviously succeeding where they feel they are failing. Or they want me to admit I'm struggling, or haven't lost all that much, so they feel better about themselves.
Trust me, I'm not imagining any of this. I know the behaviors because I've been guilty of them.
The shallowness of humanity is airing its dirty laundry to me once more and I'm trying to not cave and join in, but it's a battle.
I use the words battle and fight a lot these days to describe this stage of my recovery/weight loss. It's not an overstatement, because this process is no joke. I have even more admiration for the folks I know who have multiple years of sobriety under their belt.
So, shallow behavior. Ugh.
I feel that every time I take a picture to show my progress or just take a picture, I'm bragging needlessly. I get a little too excited when I post a picture of me on Facebook and I start racking up the likes. Of course, this was true a year ago, but it seems to have more weight now.
I used to feel invisible and now I realize that I never was. It's a mindfuck.
I thought I blended into a crowd before. I didn't.
I am purposely quiet in groups, as I don't want to be noticed. I want to just be part of the woodwork. And I am learning that I can't.
But at times I can. It amuses me greatly that people I don't see regularly don't recognize me at first. The double takes are kind of intoxicating, as it validates my struggle for me.
As odd as it may seem to people, I don't see significant change when I look in the mirror. I'm convinced that my shrinking is not that noticeable. I make the collages of progress photos for my own edification and I still think my eyes are playing tricks on me.
And I try to not let the numbers dictate me. I don't weigh myself often, as for my sanity, I can't. I am my own worst critic based on what the scale tells me. I'm shallow because I let those red flashing numbers tell me what I'm worth. I let them control my emotions.
Yet, the other day, I was talking to a man I was once interested in romantically. I even asked him out, which he declined. I then came across his online dating profile. He only wants to date a slender or athletic woman. So, I ranted that he was shallow and wrote him off.
However, we are causal acquaintances. So, when I recently joined a gym, I reached out to him for workout advice, as that is one of his hobbies, exercise.
He was very happy to give me tips. He even wrote out a basic nutrition plan for me. I was thankful, but slightly irritated by his helpfulness. To my brain gremlins, his response showed me that he thought I was a hot fat mess who was finally looking for a way to better myself. He knew nothing about my journey.
So, later on, when I emailed him a proper thank you note, I told him how much weight I had already lost. How I've hit a plateau. I wanted him to appreciate my hard work. I wanted him to judge me by the numbers I've achieved. ;I needed him to validate me based on my weight loss.
Shallow Darcey.
I got what I wanted. And it initially gave me joy, but it turned bitter. And now I'm annoyed that I stooped to such levels for approval from a man.
I find that I'm surrounded by people who love me, who do compliment me on my weight loss achievements, but do not solely focus on it. I am grateful for them and their love.
I find myself unable to tell them how much this means to me, that they do not treat me any differently. If anything, my connection to them has grown stronger.
Baring more of myself, breaking down my walls, being vulnerable and honest has shown me who I need to have around.
Those who are uncomfortable when I speak my truths. My fears. When I just babble. When I want to have conversation that goes deeper than finding the perfect shade of lipstick. When I need to talk about my issues. Those that are uncomfortable with all of that, they do not need to be in my life. Or they do not need to be the major players.
And I fear that makes me shallow.
Life is messy. Life is beautiful. Life is so complex.
And my faith, the humility I seek, I want to think that helps me from becoming shallow. But I'm not perfect. I sometimes look at strangers and have such nasty thoughts I want to flog myself later.
God forgives me for these lapses, I pray.
God has made me who I am. He knows my worth.
That should be enough to silence the brain gremlins, His love and acceptance.
Most days, it is. Most days, when I drift off to sleep, the brain gremlins are silent and that is because of how much I am loved by God.
That is because of how much time I spend talking to him. How much time I spend praying and meditating.
That is because when I strip down to my innermost self, face my demons, beat myself up, He comforts me. He reminds me of His love.
Because I can easily think of a few instances in my life where I should have died. Thank God He had other plans.
And today, I decided to weigh myself. Mostly because I looked at myself in the mirror before hopping in the shower, and noticed that Roosevelt, Delano, Frankiln and Teddy all looked to be more droopy than they had the last time I really studied myself in the mirror.
I got on that rectangle of glass and metal, sighed, and waited to see what it told me. I wished I had not had breakfast or coffee. I thought I should have moved it to a different area. I kept thinking if one tiny circumstance was different, I would be happy with the number that was about to flash before my eyes.
The number appeared. I registered it and went on to get in the shower. Those three digits were not was I was expecting, but in a positive way.
However, today, I am snowed in my house, with two cuddly puppies who want nothing more than to snuggle. With my pops, who I have never had this much one on one time with before. With my cranky cats, who are irritated that we are invading their space.
This rare occurrence, this gift of a day, is bringing me more joy and peace than those three numbers.
And I realize that I'm not the shallow girl I fear I am.
And I thank God for this. I thank Him for giving me today. I thank Him for making me who I am, brain gremlins and all. As if He loves this messy woman that I am, if he has led me to the wonderful people who love me the way I am, I am blessed beyond measure. And I am the way I am supposed to be, irregardless of what the scale told me today.
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