That I would be good

Just when I start to pat myself on the back for all the progress that I've made in the past year, I stumble.

In the past week, I have finally done two things that I should have done ages ago.

I finally told my on and off again boyfriend of nine years that I was done with him. Told him that I wished the best for him, but I was done.

I also cut off a toxic friend who made himself bigger by cutting me down.

I stood up for myself. I realized I deserved better. I chose to put myself first instead of being afraid to hurt someone's feelings. I realized I no longer needed the safety net of the ex in my life, for if I choose to be with a partner again, I need someone who makes me better. Someone who doesn't always put himself first. Someone who respects me. Someone who does not blame me for whatever shortcomings they feel their life has. Someone who loves the Lord as much as I do.

I read a book a little while ago, called "XL Love: How the Obesity Crisis is Complicating America's Love Life" by Sarah Varney. There is a sentence that states "And yet, those who emerge into their sexual selves as obese are less likely to find love in adulthood. The trend is especially stark, the research shows us, for women."

With that sentence, Varney sums up what used to be my biggest fear. That I would never find love. That I would spend my adulthood alone, with a growing number of cats and dogs for companionship and affection.

The fear that I would never find love made me cling to a man who would never love me as much as he loved himself.

Also in Varney's book she writes how women in particular, who have lost a great deal of weight, become obsessed with dating. That since they have lost so much weight, they deserve to find a partner.

Admittedly, at a certain point over the past year, I did stick my toe into the waters of online dating. I also tried out speed dating a grand total of two times. I did not enjoy either experience, as with online dating, it felt like Amazon.com for humans. Speed dating felt like a cattle call audition. I chatted with a couple of men online and went out on one date. As I realized that my opinion of myself was starting to ebb and flow thanks to emails from strange men (literally and figuratively), I decided to listen to the advice of my therapist, which was to not get involved in any romantic relationship for the first year of my recovery.

Focusing on myself, my mental health, my physical health, my spirituality...it has made me progress so much.

I feel sorry for those who rely on Tinder to prove their self-worth.

However, by holding onto my ex, I was just as guilty on relying on him and the random nuggets of affection he'd toss my way to prove to myself that I was worthy of love.

Same with the toxic friend. I clung to him, as I thought that if the "cool" guy was my buddy, that I was worthy.

Teenage Darcey still lurks inside me.

Yet, I silenced her.

And then yesterday happened.

It was an odd day. I was feeling out of sorts from the moment my alarm went off. I knew I woke up grumpy. To counteract my grumpiness, I decided that it was a day for me to debut my new pink tights.

Putting on those tights did cheer me up. I went to work and got progressively less grumpy throughout the day, thanks in part to my co-workers , but also thanks to those tights.

I was fighting shame yesterday, as I had some awkward social interactions during the day. I experienced jealousy over a situation that I usually mock. I thought I felt a disconnect between myself and some friends.

I made it through work, so I rewarded myself with my favorite takeout and decided to stop by the grocery store on the way home to pick up things I needed.

As I was approaching the dairy case, I passed a middle aged blonde and her look alike daughter.

They both looked at me, looked at each other and started laughing.

I paused, as years of being bullied put me on high alert.

I heard the mother say to the daughter "Look at her and look at the outfit she's wearing. Some people just don't know how to dress"

Daughter said to mother "She's too fat for that dress, right?"

Mother nodded her head. "And?"

Daughter said "She's wearing those ugly cowboy boots too."

Mother: "Only small children should wear tights like that"

I stopped listening at that point, put my head down and got my coffee creamer. My face was burning, as were my eyes. I just wanted to get out of there.

As I was finishing my shopping, they passed me again. The daughter looked right at me, said "Yeehaw!" and they both started laughing again as they sauntered away.

I paid for my small cart of items. I got out to my car, unloaded my purchases and then sat, unable to move.

I was tempted to go back inside, not to confront them, but to buy balm for my soul. I started thinking of things I could go in to buy, to eat away my pain.

Instead, I started reciting the serenity prayer. Repeatedly. I prayed for that mother and daughter. I prayed that they would find the grace that they were in need of. I sat there, blinking away tears, looking at my pink tights and feeling shame.

I kept praying. I felt the shame lift. Instead of going inside the store to buy something to make me feel better, I started the car and headed home.

I decided to write about it on social media, as I wanted people to know that even at the age of 37, you can be bullied. I wanted people to know that this type of behavior isn't limited to mean teenage girls. I needed to share my pain in order to get through it.

And I got through it. Without eating. Without crying. Without striking back at that pair that had caused me so much pain.

People have been telling me that they would have said something, stood up for themselves, in essence, shaming my reaction, which was to walk away and pray for them.

Nothing good would have come out of me striking back. Bullying does not need to beget bullying. I did the best thing I could have done in that situation.

It did put quite the damper on the pride I had been feeling over the two huge leaps I had made.

Now that I have had more time to process it, I have learned more from it.

And I thank God for granting me this opportunity to learn and grow.

And I praise God for holding my hand so I only stumbled instead of crashing to the ground.

I thank him for reminding me that by placing my reliance solely on Him, my progress will last.

And as terrifying as it once seemed to feel that I would never find love in my adulthood, I have realized that I am surrounded with love.

I may be single. But I am not unloved.

I have relationships in my life that are the most satisfying I have ever had. Platonic love is just as powerful as romantic love.

Not to mention the love of the Lord.

I realize that I am good. That the love that surrounds me nourishes me. It helps me to be brave. It helps me share my story. I realize that even in my darkest moments, I am never alone.

This is more comforting than any morsel of food ever was.