Wednesday, June 1, 2016

The dreams we dreamt

Once upon a time there was a girl who thought the answer to everything was to become skinny.

This girl invented strange diets for herself.

There was at least one full year of her high school life during which all she ate were apples for lunch

There were years when breakfast was a forbidden meal

There were the years in which she ordered random pills that she'd see late at night on TV, hoping that magic really would come in a bottle

There were the years she would follow Weight Watchers. Deal a Meal. Jenny Craig. Medifast. Crossing her fingers that one would work. Crossing her fingers that by following the rules of these diets, her life would improve

After all, everywhere she looked, she was told that being anything more than a size eight was bad

She was told by teachers, by friends, by family members that she had to lose weight

She was laughed at for her size

She was laughed at for her appearance

During her "skinny periods" she would search for a man that could love her, as when she was fat, she believed that no man would love her, as she didn't even love herself

She just ignored the fact that she didn't really love herself during her skinny periods as well

Inevitably, her hunger would win out over the strange diets

Inevitably, her pain would need soothing

Inevitably, she would eat again

And eat until she grew numb

And even once she grew numb, kept on eating, so the numbness would stay

The acrid sweetness of chocolate. The texture of buttercream frosting. The warmth of cheese dripping off pizza.

The sense of completion she sought desperately with every mouthful, silently reasoning that it was okay for her to be fat, because trying to be thin wasn't any better for her

The tears that would come to her eyes as she tried on clothing at stores and curse herself for not being able to find anything

The shame at having to ask if there were bigger sizes hidden in the back

Losing enough weight to shop were "normal" people shopped, but still not finding satisfaction with her appearance in the mirror

Which led to amassing a large collection of shapewear

The years were this cycle of dieting and eating, all accompanied by self loathing

One day, the girl had enough. She was just going to stay one size

The girl then learned that she had diabetes

She was then told she had to lose weight, as she had eaten her way into a death sentence

So the girl tried again

But her pancreas had given up by then as well, so the girl had to go on insulin

Weight gain was the undesirable side effect that the insulin gave the girl

So the girl, although she ate well and exercised, continued to blow up, in a multitude of ways

Until the girl decided it was time to end it all

And she decided to have most of her stomach removed

And now, nearly 100 pounds later, the girl is skinny

The girl is skinny to some, that is

To others, the girl is still fat

The girl doesn't know what to think when she looks in the mirror

The girl doesn't know what size she actually wears

The girl sees a picture of her reflection that she inadvertently captured while taking a picture with her phone and wonders what magical glass that window was made of, as that surely can't be her reflected

The girl still buys XXL clothing and is puzzled when it doesn't fit when it arrives in the mail, as she does not set foot inside a store anymore after too many years of humiliation

The girl wonders why losing so much weight has not made her bank account be fruitful and multiply

The girl wonders...

The girl is learning to love herself though

The girl is learning that her weight should have never defined her as long as it did, as she was always more than the numbers on the scale

The girl lives inside a woman, who is trying to help the girl merge with the woman

Some days, the merge comes close than ever to completion

Some days, it feels further away than ever

All the girl and the woman know is that being thin is not the solution to one's problems

The woman tries to get the girl to forgive herself

The girl still gets angry that she ever gained enough weight to cause her body to have stretchmarks by the age of 12

The woman is wise enough to know that it is okay to forever be a work in progress

The woman is also wise enough to tell the girl that their life was not ruined because they have spent the majority of it being overweight

And that their dreams have come true, in the way that they were supposed to, not the way they wanted them to, irregardless of their size

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