doing that thing you do

There are two indisputable truths in my life. At least, only two that I am willing to share.

Number one is this: nothing makes me feel more unattractive than trying to date, particularly online.

I say that the rejection does not bother me, but it is demoralizing to reach out to several men and get no response.

Not to mention the brain gremlins that awaken and start telling me the reasons why no man is responding. It's never as simple or as logical as "Darcey, you might be reaching out to men who don't pay for the site and can't respond"

My brain gremlins tell me it's because I'm not pretty

It's because I'm not thin enough

It's because these men just look at me and know that there's something inherently wrong with me.

The worst thing that the brain gremlins tell me is that the lack of interest is because these boys (I refuse to call them men any longer) look solely at my pictures and decide that I'm not worth getting to know based solely on my physical appearance

And that is what hurts...that my physical transformation doesn't make me worthy enough of their attention

I hate the whole process of online dating. Amazon.com for humans is what I jokingly refer to it as. Because that is what it is. You look at profile picture after profile picture, click on the ones that appeal to you, read the most basic information that people choose to put on their profile, and decide to message them based on solely on physical attraction

I'm guilty of doing just that

And it's a fine mess, because I don't know of other ways to meet men. I have tried other ways: speed dating, blind dates, etc...

So, for the moment, as I don't need boys whose first names I don't even know, I am continuing to date myself. As I am quite the catch. And my relationship with myself is close to perfect

The second truth is that people seem to feel the need to tell me what to do. Tell me what I really really want.

It's mind boggling.

I am told almost daily, that yes, I will have children.

I am told what type of man I need to date.

There are more things, but those two sting the most.

For I do not want children. I like kids. I love being an aunt. My niece and nephews are my favorite people. I adore taking care of the toddlers every other Sunday at church.

It has taken me a long time to be open about how I do not want children.

I am by nature a nurturing person. I take care of others. I enjoy helping others out.

It is confusing to people that someone like me has no desire to have children.

I just don't want them.

It enrages me to be told though that I will have at least one child.

Nope

Nor do I want to date a man that has children of his own

If I started to list all the qualities I do not want in a man, I'd up writing for days.

And again, I am dating myself. I'm hard to beat.

Plus, God has this. I don't doubt that my life is going to go the way it is supposed to, because I'm not in control. He is. And who am I to doubt him?