Nothin' is as it has been

Tomorrow is the four month anniversary of my gastric sleeve. I sit here in disbelief that it has already been four months. I sit here in disbelief that it has only been four months.

Some aspects have gotten easier. I'm not as angry as I was right after surgery. My moments of berating myself for having had the surgery have gone down to only every other week, instead of multiple times per day.

I used to plan my days around meals and what I would be eating. Look forward to indulging in certain foods or trying a new restaurant out. Treating myself to pizza on nights I was too tired to cook. My payday burrito from Chipotle. Ordering Chinese with my friends on Friday nights. Savoring the spices & texture. Enjoying the companionship of sharing a meal with others. Food, glorious food. My favorite drug. My longest addiction.

Obviously, that all has changed. Food is the devil now. Each time I attempt to eat now, I have no idea what to expect. A meal I enjoyed the day before could cause me to vomit uncontrollably. My sense of taste is more heightened than ever, to the point where I just can't tolerate slight variations on my go-to meals. There is only one brand of re-fried beans I can enjoy. One brand of mashed potatoes. The only beverage I enjoy drinking is Publix Diet Sweet tea. Tap water is the devil. Coffee and I have reached a truce. Bread is not my friend anymore. Neither is ice cream. These are two positive things. however, fresh fruit & veggies are also my enemy, as I have a hard time eating/digesting them at this point in my recovery. I used to have an adventurous palate. Now I live off bland, mushy food and feel sorry for myself that I can't eat a bowl of steamed broccoli. All I want is to eat some vegetables and I can't do that yet.

I survived my first big test, which was my brother's wedding. I had to find a substitute for my nectar of life, aka my Publix Sweet Tea, as they don't sell it in Pennsylvania. I had to navigate menus to figure out what I could maybe tolerate. I had to go buy protein shakes instead of forgoing them for the few days I was traveling, as I needed them so I would get some nourishment, as I could not join everyone in eating salad & subs for lunch. I had to explain to my sweet little niece and nephew why Aunt Darcey was barely eating. I tried my best to not feel self-conscious as I served myself minute amounts and still finished eating long after everyone else. I tried to not over-explain to waitresses that everything did taste good, but I just couldn't eat it. I had to deal with questions from family, grilling me on my food choices, why I couldn't just at this or drink that. My self-consciousness was so overwhelming at first that I was relieved to go to bed just for a reprieve from it all. It did get easier as the festivities went on.

It was hard watching everyone else enjoy the wedding feast. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Now that I'm more open about my surgery, things are easier. I still can't tell you just how much weight I'm down today, as I haven't weighed myself in over a week.The following things should be testament enough for me right now that the surgery is working. Or should be testament enough. The multiple trash bags of too big clothing that are crowding my guest room. Fitting comfortably into a chair at the movie theatre. My hips getting sore from lying on them on a hard surface, as they just aren't as padded as they used to be. Being freezing cold all the time because my body is losing it's insulation. My hair falling out. My CPAP mask needing to be tighter. People not recognizing me if they haven't seen me in a while. My ring no longer fitting. Buying smaller underwear. My wrinkles becoming more prominent as they're no longer filled out by flab. Having more energy. Not needing a seat belt extender on the airplane. No more meal time insulin.

Yet, I see the pictures from the weekend and don't notice a difference at all from the picture taken of me the day of surgery. I hope at one point I will see a difference. I just see all the work that still needs to be done. I have over 120 pounds total to lose. I have excess skin that's going to need to be removed, as my nearly 37 year old skin is not bouncing back into place. I wonder if I'm ever going to be satisfied.

I still have a long road ahead of me. I still have work to do. I still have anger. I still have regret. I know I made the right choice, but damn, I just wish I could have lost this weight and kept it off with just diet and exercise, not a permanent surgical solution.