I've come to realize that I am glad that I grew up fat. We could call me chubby, well fed, rotund, holding onto my baby fat, however, no matter how you say it, I've been overweight the majority of my life.
I started gaining weight in the third grade and never really stopped.
I didn't realize I was fat until my cousin told me I was. I mercifully didn't get teased about my size until junior high. I don't know why my classmates in grade school didn't tease me, but I got lucky.
Junior high was not kind to me. Not only was I a fat kid, I was a weird kid, who followed her two older sisters through school. My oldest sister was incredibly smart. My other sister was incredibly beautiful, popular and smart. Then I came along, the dumpy sister, who wasn't that smart, at least when it to math and science. I wasn't popular. I was a bookworm who played in the band. And I sure as hell wasn't as pretty as my sisters, because being overweight makes you ugly. My interesting hairstyle choices didn't do me any favors either.
Things got a bit better in high school, but I was still fat. However, I embraced my weirdness. I embraced my creativity. I discovered theatre. I discovered that writing was something I was good at doing. I found out that I liked going camping. And I liked hiking. I also found friends that didn't judge me for my quirks, but embraced me.
It wasn't all easy. I remember when my 11th grade English teacher told me I looked like a manatee. I remember getting teased still. I remember getting dumped for cooler people by friends that I had adored.
I don't want to go on and on about my horrible childhood, because it wasn't horrible. Yes, I was bullied. I was bullied in college too. I have a tendency to be drawn towards people who don't treat me very well.
I am glad for the bullying though, in some odd way. Being treated the way I was throughout school (even through grad school) made me develop my talents as a writer. Because I was told I wasn't pretty, I focused on developing my personality. I'm wickedly funny. I'm very well read. I'm pretty damn smart too, unless you try to force me to do math. I started knitting because I didn't really have a social life. So now I can make beautiful things with some string and my two hands.
Not being accepted has made me who I am today. And I'm pretty great. I still have my quirks. Being an extroverted introvert is an interesting path to have through this crazy maze we call life. I've found people who accept me and love me for who I am. I've learned to reject the ones who do not. And to not give a shit about them either. It's gotten a lot easier as I get older to manage this.
And one of the things that scares me as I shrink is that I am losing such a part of me. My weight has helped define me for over 30 years. Sure, I've had a few trips to skinny town before, but I was never comfortable there. Being a size 8 didn't feel right to me, as I felt like I was slumming in someone else's body. Gaining the weight back, although it was upset, it ultimately made me more content because I'm good at being the fat girl. I'm good at being the girl who sits in the corner at parties. The girl who sits at home reading and knitting, binge watching TV because it's just easier to be a hermit than to take the chance of going out in public and getting rejected, just because of my appearance. It's such a mindfuck.
So, I could have stayed fat. But here's the thing: I didn't want to. I'm brave enough now to shed my security blanket and bare myself to the world. I'm a little messy. I'm a little wacko. I may stick my foot in my mouth more than necessary. I swear like a trucker. I'm not very lady like. I make dirty jokes. I talk with my hands. I play with my hair. I'm a little strange. I'm more than a little nerdy. However, I have a heart so big it could crush this town. I'm overly generous. I give warm hugs. I like to feed people. I'm a caregiver. And my dogs think I'm perfect. My cats seem to think I'm okay enough to feed them and share their bed. There's a lot of facets to me, which don't need to be hidden anymore.
I know that losing weight is no balm of Gilead. Dropping the last 60 pounds is not going to get me out of debt. It's not going to land me my dream man. Life will not be perfect just because my ass is half the size is used to be, but that's okay. Getting to the point where I know that the books, movies, TV shows, etc., that portray weight loss as the balm of Gilead are full of shit. All I know is that by losing this weight,i'm conquering my diabetes. I have more energy. I feel better. I'm not going to die younger than I should because I'm carrying around 120 excess pounds. And I'll take that happiness over marrying Bradley Cooper any day. Besides, he's not good enough for me.
So, yes, I am glad I was fat for so long. And was bullied. Because the person that it created is wonderfully unique. And anyone I allow to get to know me is pretty damn lucky.
And to paraphrase a quote from Modern Family " I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me."
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