It's all right, darling

My emotions have bit in a bit of turmoil lately, to say the least

The anger that has been brewing up inside of me and spilling out has frightened me

The paralyzing fear that accompanies the anger is not welcome either

Of course, since it's me, I've been trying to analyze where it is coming from, this raging beast that just wants to strike down anything in her path

Funnily enough, the anger, the overwhelming self-doubt, the criticism, the whole mess of ugly, started to churn up when I made a discovery weeks ago

I discovered how close I am to reaching my goal weight

Which one would not think would be reason for all of these negative emotions

One would think I should be celebrating, as that weight is a mark that I did not know if I would reach.

Through my long stalls in my weight loss, through the process of just trying to get my surgery approved, just this entire process, those 3 numbers, that I only picked because I wouldn't be embarrassed to have them on my driver's license, they are tantalizingly close to being what shows on my scale

Those three numbers represent a weight I have been aiming for since my first Weight Watchers' meeting over ten years ago

And it's less than ten pounds away, if I trust my home scale, which, after weighing myself ten times in a row the other morning, getting the same result every time, I should trust

It's terrifying, because once I hit that goal, what's next?

And what if I never hit it? What if I can't reach the number I set for myself, to determine my success? To determine my worth?

That number has been my mythical carrot on a stick, something I've been dangling in front of myself for over a decade

A number that no one but me knows. Not even my doctor knows my goal weight. In fact, my doctors think I should be content with where I am

And where I am is not a bad place.

I wear size medium shirts now. And I have pairs of size 8 pants that are baggy around my waist

But I still have people tell me that I'm a big girl

I still have people telling me that I've made a good start

And I go home and pull out my XXL yoga pants that I wore to the hospital the morning of my surgery and think I can still fit into them

I still doubt the sizes that I fit into,. figuring that I have somehow found the one mislabeled t-shirt in the store or that it's only because of vanity sizing I can wear the sizes I am

Yes, after losing over 110 pounds, I still don't believe my body has changed all that much

In fact, the other day, I actually researched plastic surgeons, as a picture I saw of myself had me horrified over the number of chins I still have

And to be honest, I'm a little envious of Mama June's skin removal surgeries

I knew my body would not magically transform into a that of a toned bikini model post surgery, but I was hoping my skin had a little more elasticity left in it. No such luck

In ways, I am the poster child for what childhood, teenage and adult obesity can do to one's body. Although I have never given birth, silvery stretch marks decorate my body

Although I can workout daily until I dehydrate myself, my skin well never shrink into place

And when I mentioned I wear size 8, I was told I did not look like a size 8

However, no two bodies look the same.

And seeing that 8 on the label of my clothes, seeing the M on labels as well, I am told that those labels should be enough of a reward, that being a size medium means that I have arrived in the world, at the tender age of 38 and a half.

And a few years ago, those labels may have told me that I was finally worthy

Worshiping a number on a label, just to define my worth

Yet, although part of my struggle these days is coming so close to hitting my goal, to achieving what a younger version of myself determined was what I should be worth, I also know that that number on the scale does not determine my worth

I know that worshiping a certain clothing size, being able to wear single digits, does not determine my worth

For once I stopped obsessing over my weight loss and starting worshiping my Father, that mythical goal weight has gotten closer

And my worth is more than three numbers on a scale can tell me or a size medium t-shirt can prove to me

However, even though I know this, I still struggle, as the voices inside my head debate each other

The struggle is to remain focused and worship who I need to, instead of a number, instead of listening to the voices telling me otherwise

And to remember the identity that I was created with, that is given to me, because I worship Him

And because of that identity, I am worthy, not because I wear a size 8.