Over two years and hundred plus pounds later, I finally feel as though I am in a place to state some truths about my weight loss experience thus far. I am inspired to do this because as of late, thanks mostly to the media's never-ending quest to "normalize" overweight people and praise the obese/overweight who lost weight, I am disgusted, baffled and intrigued by the need of our society to turn weight into headline news.
I realize that by reacting the way I am, I am not necessarily creating a solution, but feeding the monster. However, as someone who has lost the equivalent of a two month old horse from her body, I want to clear the air, so to speak, because on a daily basis, I have to deal with assumptions that are made about me.
The number one thing I hear is "you must feel so much better"
Physically? Some days, yes, I do. However, after being overweight since the age of 8, there is irreversible damage done to my body that no amount of weight loss will fix.
I have arthritis in my feet. My knees are crappy. I have hip problems as well. I also have a broken bone in my right foot that has been broken for three years now, which probably broke due to the sheer amount of weight I was carrying on my frame.
I can no longer take NSAIDS, so I just get to hobble around without pain relief. On days when the weather acts up, I am miserable, as the lower half of my body aches and there is nothing I can do except grit my teeth and get through the day.
I am also diabetic. One thing that angers me the most is reading articles about weight loss surgery, one of the benefits is that it claims to cure diabetes. That patients are sent home off all their meds.
Guess who is back on insulin and is still on meds to control her diabetes? Guess who has never had one day off from diabetes since 3/4 of her stomach was permanently removed?
I am grateful to no longer need insulin before every meal, as one needle jab a day is plenty. I am grateful that it is easier to control my diabetes. But I will never be cured from diabetes. I am grateful that before I had the surgery, I was realistic that being diabetes free wasn't going to be a guarantee.
Mentally, I am a work in progress. I am a recovering addict. Some days are easier than others.
Yesterday was a shitty day. A customer complained about me to my manager. I had to work a 11 hour day. I had cramps. I am battling a sinus infection. I have a big work project that never seems to get closer to the finish line. My mother was annoying me. And so on.
So I ended up at Target and bought some ice cream. Which gave me uncontrollable diarrhea. Which was a good reminder of why the foods I used to rely on for comfort are now my enemy, thanks to the weight loss surgery. But, grumpy ass me just got grumpier, because I had no balm of Gilead to soothe me.
An article I read about the death of the actress who played Gilbert Grape's mother had a great quote from her that sums up the state of my mental health: “That thing that made you fat in the first place? They don’t cut that out during surgery,” she explained. “The pressures that caused you to seek solace in food are still there when you come home from the hospital.”
And yes, I ultimately turn to prayer and meditation to help me, but I can be quite impatient and want a quick fix. Which was always food. And when I come close to hitting bottom, that's what I want to turn to
Thank the Lord for therapy, but it is a constant battle to stay sober.
And just because I no longer physically carry the baggage that helped me reach nearly 300 pounds, it doesn't mean that that baggage is gone. It just occupies my head/heart instead of my frame.
Second thing I hear is "shopping must be so much fun for you"
I despise shopping now more than I ever did.
Dressing room mirrors are awful. I swear they manufacture those things to make no one look good.
And having to try on clothes now drives me batty, because I really have no clue what size I wear anymore.
My instinct is to always go for the XL.
Imagine my shock when it's way too big.
(Yes, body dysmorphia is still part of my laundry list of mental health issues)
And then the L is too big.
And then I have to face the reality that I am a size M. Or even a size S.
Which should be a good thing, should fill me with joy, but it doesn't. Because I then go through the process of assuming that it's vanity sizing. Because there is no way I could fit into anything smaller than a large.
So, no, shopping is not fun for me.
Another thing I hear: "the weight just melted off you!"
No. No. No.
The weight did not melt off me.
Every ounce I have lost has been through hard work. There is no easy way to lose weight.
Thing number 4: "what is your secret to weight loss?"
My secret is the same thing that works for everyone: eat less.
All of these fad diets, all of these people who make the cover of magazines because they lost half their size...all of the diet books that sit in bookstores and libraries--there is one commonality to achieving any type of success--eat less
Eating the flesh of broccoli grown in organic soil imported from Panama and only drinking water that is filtered with cheesecloth is not a magic diet that will cause the pounds to fall off your body. Only consuming those two things will make you lose weight though
The secret to my weight loss is I eat less. The secret to weight loss for anyone is eating less. It's just not easy to put that damn fork down. Or keep it down once the weight is off.
When I was on Weight Watchers, that's how I lost weight. I ate less. I didn't eat healthy, I just ate less of everything I wanted. Or used my points to eat the unhealthy stuff I craved to keep my emotions in check. I lost weight just because I ate less.
Same with Jenny Craig--the pre-packaged meals didn't have secret ingredients that made the weight loss possible--it was all portion control
And after both of those diets/lifestyle changes--whatever term the corporations who own those diet plans want you to call their "diets", ended for me, I gained back all the weight, plus more, because I couldn't keep my fucking fork down.
Because as I will say until I am blue in the face, just because my stomach is the size of an egg does not mean I have a guarantee that I will never gain weight again. I can gain weight again. I can gain back all the weight I lost, plus more. I just have to continue to eat less to keep it off.
Thing number 5 "your friends and family must be so proud of you!"
Yes, some are.
However, I have lost a number of "friends" since my weight loss surgery.
Some people left my life due to their jealousy over my weight loss.
Some left because they could not accept that the way I am now is my normal. I am not the friend you can call to go out and binge eat fried cheese with anymore. I rarely drink alcohol anymore. I will not return to "normal"
Some I had to leave behind because they were not healthy for me to be around anymore.
One member of my family who should understand for me what my life is now like is my mother, who had weight loss surgery herself ten years ago.
Judging by the portions she serves me, she does not. Judging by conversations we've had, she does not. To say it's frustrating is an understatement.
And these losses, this disappointment over losing people, realizing that support I thought I could rely on, it hurts.
Thing the 6th: My experiences with weight loss surgery aren't normal
As a librarian, I did so much research before my surgery to prepare myself. So I was ready for what would come my way
I was not prepared to not lose any weight for close to a month after surgery
I was not prepared to vomit up most food I tried to eat
I was not prepared for debilitating heartburn
I was not prepared to hate water and stop drinking it for over two years
I was not prepared for my taste buds to change drastically
I was not prepared at all
One of the reasons I am so vocal about my surgery is that I want others who are considering it or have it done that my experiences are normal. This is a complicated procedure.
It is life changing. You will not wake up from anesthesia, recover and then live the way you once did, except eat a lot less
No one wants to hear that it's not a easy process. Because it is not.
Yes, I would still have the surgery, knowing all that happened to me afterwards.
And I don't know that it would have been any easier to have known all that would happen, however, if I had known that the majority of patients do not lose weight for the first few weeks post surgery, I would have felt a little better, instead of worrying that I had somehow failed the surgery and it had all been for nothing.
But it angers me when people I know who are planning to have the surgery tell me that what happened to me isn't going to be a problem they have. I pray for them that it won't but my story/experience is not abnormal.
Thing the 7th: it does not bother me to have people eat around me
I am fine with being around others as they eat. It really does not bother me to have people eat around me.
Now, do I enjoy eating around others? Not really, but that's nothing new. I've never really been comfortable eating around other people.
When I was bigger, I felt judged
I still feel judged, whether it's real or imagined.
Of course, when my companions or restaurant staff comment on the amount I eat, it's hard not to feel scrutinized.
It's just another facet of my life I have to deal with--eating is just not eating to me. Food has never just been nourishment.
And it's more than a little odd to me that eating now can cause me physical discomfort, when a half of a lean pocket fills me up to the point of misery, when I used to eat two of those bad boys for lunch and still hunger for more
And I could go on, but I think I've lost track of what my point is at this moment. Except it all circles back round to wanting more people to be honest about their experiences. Wanting less fascination with weight loss. Wanting others to understand that even though I have lost a ton of weight, I still have a ways to go.
It's all about progress, not perfection.
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