Always one foot on the ground

In just four days, I will be entering the last year of my thirties.

I do not mind the fact that I will be just 365 days away from 40 at all.

I've rather enjoyed my thirties. In fact, the older I get, the more I find myself enjoying life.

Over the past 8 years and 361 days, I have had quite the adventure. Some highlights and lowlights:

I earned my second master's degree

I became an aunt to an incredible little girl, plus gained three fantastic nephews (my oldest nephew was born when I was 29)

I bought and sold a house

I moved to a new state

I accepted two different job promotions in my chosen field

I bought the second purple car I've owned

I lost over 100 pounds

I found an amazing church and community

I also said good-bye to two beloved dogs and one cranky ass cat

I had my heart broken a couple of times

I lost friends, some by choice, some not by choice

I learned so much about who I am. What feeds my soul. What I need to do to take care of myself. How to take care of myself. How to love myself.

And as I said to a dear friend recently, I love this season of my life. I'd rather be on the verge of 39 than the verge of 29.

When I was preparing to turn 29, I was wallowing in a sea of self pity and ice cream

All I could focus on was what I had not accomplished in my life. Three big "failures" taunted me

I was not married

I was not a mother

I was fat

Ten years later, I am still not married

I am not a mother

But I am no longer fat, although I still can't see how I truly look these days

However, I no longer consider my singlehood and my empty arms failures

I love being single. Love it. And at this point in my life, don't see why I should want to relinquish my singlehood

It's a little harder to accept not having my own children

I have started the journey towards foster parenting, however, have hit a roadblock, placing that on hold until 2018 at the earliest

Yet, I have my nephews and niece. I have other children in my life I get to love on and spend time with. It's not the same as being a mother, but it's better than nothing

My weight will always bother me

I hope to be content with it one day, but it is my Achilles heel

Perhaps if so much emphasis was not based on appearance in American society, I would not care so much.

American society is flawed in so many ways these days that it seems silly to me to focus on the value placed on appearance, but life doesn't have to make sense

Maybe it is easier for me to focus on that instead of the fear I have that I won't see my 39th birthday because two toddlers disguised as world leaders are throwing tantrums and threatening to nuke each other

Or the fact that it is 2017 and young white men are marching armed with tiki torches to promote hatred of others

So, yep, I focus on the fact that no matter what I do, I will never be seen as conventionally attractive by some

However, I am growing more at peace with that.

As a 39 year old, I have no idea what will come my way.

I know a few things:

I am going to continue to practice self care. I am going to continue to put on my own oxygen mask first. Not spend so much time online. Spend more time with people I love.

And I am going to stop beating myself up for enjoying ice cream on occasion

For life is short. There are no guarantees.

However, we all need a bit of sweetness every now and then.