The main theme that all of them seem to have in common is destiny. Or perhaps happenstance is a better description.
I once was so sure of what my life would be by the time I was 40. I was confident that I would be well off financially, married, with at least three kids. I would be thin and stylish, with perfect hair. I would have some type of purebred dog as well. The type of life that the Sears catalogs I used to pore over obsessively pictured. I even would clip out pictures from said catalogs and create storyboards of what my life would be. That's also back when I thought I would also go to college at Yale and become a neurosurgeon. Of course, I was eight years old at the time.
I just assumed that my future would be identical to the pictures I saw in the catalogs. I assumed I could be anything I wanted and have everything I wanted.
That confidence started to wither when I first learned I was fat. I had been a skinny little kid until the third grade, when I blossomed into a big girl, width wise and height wise. I didn't realize that there was anything "wrong" with me until an older cousin sat me down to discuss what type of diet I should try and told me I should only drink water.
That's also around the time when I learned how important it was to be beautiful, as I was also told that I would be pretty if I just lost weight.
I often wonder how my life would be today if I had never gained weight as a kid. Or if I had listened to my cousin's diet advice. Or if my parents had followed through on their threat to send me to fat camp when I was in junior high. Or if I had been able to stick to any diet and keep the weight off.
I also wonder how my life would be if I did not suffer from stuttering for most of my childhood. I had once dreamed of being on stage, but instead, because I talked funny, decided to write the words I wanted to say myself for others to say for me.
I can't help but wonder how different things could be for me today if so many moments in my life had played out differently.
Something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately is how people will comment on the size of babies, from the moment they emerge from the womb. So much of it is most likely harmless, however, I was told all my life that I was a big baby, that I was the one that weighed the most out of all my siblings at birth. Makes me wonder if it was truly my destiny to always be the largest out of all the Mesaris siblings.
For even with almost 90 pounds lost, I am still the largest.
Perhaps our fates are determined the moment we are born. Perhaps when I sprung out into the world, all 8 pounds and 9 ounces of me, it was written that I would always be on the larger side.
Perhaps I've messed with fate by having 3/4 of my stomach removed in an attempt to downsize myself.
Perhaps I am just discouraged these days by the scale that doesn't seem to want to budge.
Perhaps I'm just frustrated that I still get told I'm a big girl.
Perhaps I sometimes beat myself up over where I am in my life.
Maybe I feel guilty over how content I am with the way my life is going.
I feel torn that I do not see myself ever giving birth. I feel guilty that the idea of never being a mother to human children does not upset me.
For I worry that if I ever give birth to a daughter, I will damage her. I will create a mini version of myself, with my many issues. I will create another female that is insecure in herself, with shitty self-esteem. She would potentially have a great butt though.
I think of how I thought my life would be and look at how it actually is. I look at my career. I think of my family, chosen and blood. I smile as I picture my two adorable mutts at home. I am glad that I am single. I am glad that I did not get everything that I wanted when I was eight.
I was very angry at God for years. Part of that anger was that my life was not how I thought it should be. Now I know that my life is exactly how it should be, as I am doing what He wants me to be doing.
Yet, I do worry about what type of legacy I will leave. I have no children, which will not change. I am not famous. I am not well known. I will not cure cancer. I will not win the Nobel Peace Prize. My dogs, although they adore me, can not sing my praises once I am gone.
However, I don't know why I am so concerned with this at this moment. Most likely because there has been a wash of celebrity deaths since 2016 began and I have read all the obituaries, marveling at all these people have accomplished in their lives. I'm just a librarian in North Carolina.
Also, around this time last year, I was preoccupied with the thought that I would die during my weight loss surgery. I was terrified that if I did die, I would not be remembered for anything of note.
After all, if I started out life so big, shouldn't I go out big?
My fear of dying during surgery was because every time I had gotten something I wanted desperately, it did not go the way I had hoped.
Obviously, my fears were unfounded.
So I questioned why. It took me a bit of time to figure out why.
Before my surgery, I asked for people to pray for me. I prayed as well. I put my trust in the Lord. That's why.
And now, thinking about what I'll leave behind, I realize that the Lord led me to write my story, that He wanted me to share myself with the world through my words.
So I write. I pray. I trust my Father.
I would not trade my life as it is now for anything. Yes, my mind is a swirling sea of thoughts, but I am anchored by my faith.
And I pray. And I am grateful for the path He has led me down. My experiences have made me the woman I am today, the woman who will rock a pair of orange tights without hesitation. The woman who is not afraid to be vulnerable.
The woman who might one day move mountains, as my story is still being written.
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