My pound of flesh

My pound of flesh. Or my almost 90 pounds of flesh. I wish I knew what debt I was repaying by stripping all of these pounds off.

For with each pound that I fight off, it is a battle. And although I am registering less space in the universe, I feel in some ways bigger than I ever was before.

I still want to know which debtor I am repaying.

For with every pound that comes off, I fight.

I fight my near crippling anxiety that sweeps over me unexpectedly, now that I no longer self-medicate.

I fight my depression, which in with winter threatens to swallow me whole.

I fight to maintain my patience with others, which is a tricky problem to have when one works in public service.

I fight the urge to not cry when I long to eat just one bite of pizza without discomfort.

I fight a sense of mourning when I see foods advertised on TV I can not eat.

I fight jealousy watching others eat.

I fight an overwhelming sense of disgust when I see myself in the mirror unclothed, because there is a lot of sagging pasty flesh that used to be filled out.

I fight the fear of walking into the gym and feeling judged.

I fight the pain of rejection from men who find me unattractive. So much for being told all my life that I would be pretty if I just lost some weight.

I fight anger that overwhelms me over the strangest things.

I fight my own shame at thoughts that race through my head.

I fight the shame that is put on me by loved ones.

I fight the urge to revert back to old habits, such as smoking, because I just want to be numb again, as it can be too painful to have all of these feelings.

I fight the voices in my head telling me to stop writing.

I fight the urge to want to be invisible.

I fight the voices in my head that tell me to stop being so damn vulnerable.

I keep fighting. I keep wondering if it will ever cease to be a struggle.

I keep fighting, because my trust is in the Lord.

I keep fighting, because of my renewed faith in Him.

Faith: it does not make things easy, it makes them possible. Luke 1:37

I keep on going, because I am not fighting alone in my journey.

I keep fighting, because I trust in the Lord with all my heart.

I may never feel like my debts are repaid.

However, I still trust in Him.

Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6

I trust in the peace I feel when I surrender to Him.

I trust in the renewal of spirit I experience when I connect with understanding individuals.

I trust in the decisions that I have made.

I trust that I am no longer blindly barreling down a path that has no end.

I trust Him. I fight because He wants me to continue to fight.

I trust that when I get weary, He carries me.

I trust that these feelings are temporary.

I trust that even if they are not temporary, I will continue to grow.

I trust that the need to have my voice heard is greater than my need to silence it from being heard.

I trust. I write. I pray. I fight.

For if I cease to do these four things, I will cease to be me. And I like me, with all my flaws.

So, I will trust. I will write. I will pray. I will fight.

I will be me.