Caught in between all you wish for and all you need

Lately I've been thinking a lot about moments. How one moment can alter the course of your life, even if the effects of that moment aren't made clear until much later.

How saying yes can lead to so much good

How saying yes can lead to heartbreak

How saying yes can lead to things that you could never imagine happening in your life

How saying no can lead to so much good

How saying no can lead to heartbreak

How saying no can smother you

There have been so many times in my life when I should have said no instead of yes. And vice versa.

I wonder what I would have become if i had said no to taking a job in Charlotte. If I had let my fear of the unknown guide me into staying where I was comfortable.

There's a danger in getting too comfortable, I find.

Comfort led me to suppressing feelings.

Comfort led me to toxic relationships

Comfort led to me ballooning into a 276 pound woman, as turning to food for answers was what I was comfortable with doing.

It drives me a little huts when I hear someone say "I'm going to be bad" as they choose to eat a piece of chocolate.

The demonization of food has gotten out of control.

All food is for is to sustain us. To Nourish us so we can keep living.

No one should be judged for eating whatever it is that they want to eat.

Yet, we judge ourselves. We judge others. We reward ourselves with food. We punish ourselves with food. We've turned one of our basic needs into this demon.

Part of my recovery has been reframing the way I see food.

It's one of the harder parts. I have recently become reacquainted with Annie's Bunny Grahams. I say reacquainted because I used to eat an entire box in one day. Those little delicious bunnies fed me well. Or so I thought.

As with so many things, I quit them cold turkey. They were off my list of foods I would/could eat.

Then the other week I went to Target and saw them on the shelf, in a tie-dye rainbow box, beckoning to me. So, I bought them.

My love of the bunny graham is reignited. And so was my need to punish myself for eating them.

However, they are just a tiny little snack cracker. Eating the recommended serving size is not going to lead me down some dark path I can't return from.

Food is not punishing me. It never punished me. I punished myself with it.

Chocolate does not attack one's body, causing fat to form as it enters one's mouth.

Anyhow, I digressed.

If I had said no to Charlotte...the thought makes me tremble in fear, as saying yes to Charlotte changed my entire life, not just my address.

If I had said no to Greenville, I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak.

Yet, it is likely I would have never become a librarian had I said no to Greenville.

And I used to wonder what made me say yes, when so much of my being wanted to say no.


I had this void in my life.

I searched so hard for something or someone to fill it.

And I assumed that my quest to fill the void is what encouraged me to say yes.

It's ironic that one of the hardest decisions I've ever made was to walk in the door of my church back in September.

Walking through that door, to attend a service, was the catalyst or culmination of so much change in my life. I'm not sure which.

By the end of my first church service, I knew my life would be different from that point onward.

I had been attending icuTalks at Mosaic. I had even given an icuTalk there. Those talks, those stories of faith, they led me to ponder that the void in my life was spiritual.

And I fought against it, as in my past, church was not a good thing.

Much like with food, I had demonized the idea of church in my head. Church ostracized people. Church was not welcoming of all. Church was only a place for the perfect to go to worship.

Mosaic showed me how wrong I was.

Attending Mosaic, saying yes to opportunities to get more involved at Mosaic--I no longer have a void in my life.

I have a foundation in my life. My already supportive community has grown to include friends I have made through Mosaic.

Most importantly, I have the Lord back in my life.

Which led me to the easiest decision I have ever said yes to.

The easiest decision I have ever made in my life was to be baptized on April 10, 2016.

In many ways, it feels like my life has rebooted.

And it has. I feel so much promise for whatever lies ahead for me.

And I really like who have become. I wasn't a bad person before, however I've found my calling. I've found people who truly love me for me, not the person they wanted me to be.

This new and improved Darcey however, was always here. I just had to unearth her.