I pray she'll never be fat

"I pray she'll never be fat"

This sentence, written by one of my favorite authors, sears my eyes.

I read it repeatedly. I start at the beginning of the essay and reach the conclusion, which I hoped I had read wrong the first dozen times. Each time I get to the last sentence, there are the six words that took my breath away: "I pray she'll never be fat".

I feel my chest tighten. My eyes start to water.

For this author was a woman I admired for writing plus size characters who didn't resort to dieting to change their lives. Her heroines achieved greatness and just happened to wear double digit sizes.

I believed that this was one person who didn't see excess weight as a downfall.

Then I came across her essay in Allure magazine the other night as I was doing research at work.

Her essay about her nine year old daughter using the word fat to criticize a girl she wasn't getting along with at camp.

My heart ached for the author as she described her life growing up overweight. Her words resonated with me as much as scripture. As she recounted her pediatrician telling her mother that she needed to diet, I remembered the physical at which my pediatrician told my mother I needed to diet.

Dr. Kaiser said to my mother "Darcey just needs to stop eating so many potato chips" and my mother nodded in agreement, as I sat there in a paper gown, confused, as I didn't like potato chips all that much, as the salt burned my mouth.

I read the essay, nodding my head, thinking "She gets it. This is why I buy all of her books. In hardcover." (this is one of the highest compliments my librarian self can pay an author)

Then I got to the end.

"I pray she'll never be fat."

Is fat really that much of a curse?

I used to think it was. My bulk, real or imagined, weighed me down for much of my life.

Plump

Chubby

Big boned

Husky

Rubenesque

Zaftig

Portly

Corpulent

Fleshy

Whalelike

Obese

Looking at just a few of the words used to describe fat, even the language isn't pretty.

Fat is not a state worthy of praise. Fat is not to be confused with any attractive asset. Fat will kill you. Fat is the devil incarnate.

Being fat was not a curse for me. Until others made it one, if that makes sense.

I used to say that I didn't know that my size was a negative until I was told it was.

I recently found a piece of creative nonfiction I wrote in my second masters program. I based this piece on the Italian concept of "la bella figura", the beautiful figure. In it, I try to define what the ideal figure is.

It's worth noting that I failed at defining the ideal figure. It's also worth noting I wrote this essay at the height of my success with my first round of Weight Watchers, so the crux of it sings the praises of that particular diet.

It struck me how I concluded that piece with confessing that I was not satisfied with my appearance at that point, after losing over 50 pounds.

How now, I look at myself and wonder when I'll be happy. How I take pictures of myself in my kooky outfits and focus on what I see as flaws. It's a huge step for me though that I do post those pictures on social media, as if I only posted pictures of myself that I liked, let alone loved, I'd never post a photo.

"I pray she'll never be fat"

I wonder if my mother ever prayed for me to lose weight. If she ever looked at the fattest of her three daughters and thought my life was cursed, because of how juicy I was, a perfectly ripened peach of a girl.

I wonder if my sister ever looks at her daughter and prays that my niece will never be fat.

I wonder if I'm the crazy one here.

Perhaps if I ever did have a daughter, I too would look at her and pray for her to never get fat.

I look at my niece and I pray that she'll grow up knowing how wonderfully unique she is.

I pray that she'll keep her sense of creativity.

I pray that she'll only become even more caring than she already is.

I pray that she remains true to herself, no matter what life throws at her.

I don't look at her and pray "I hope she'll never get fat."

I came across yet another article/essay today at work, "Ode to the Medium-Sized Woman".

The writer boasts that she'll never be called the F-word. Fat.

Silly me thought the f-word was fuck.

I reflected on how men don't get labelled to the extent that women do.

Pear shaped. Apple bottomed. Plus size. Medium sized. Petite. Childbearing hips. Curvy. Slight. Beautiful. Monet. Good personality.

I've said it before and I'll say it repeatedly, until it somehow changes, why can't a woman just be a woman? Why does she have to be a petite flower? Why does she have to be a plus sized beauty? Why can't I just read an article about a woman that doesn't describe her appearance? Doesn't label her because of her weight?

Now we have to start praising the medium sized woman. For she is blessed because she can't be considered fat.

"I pray she'll never be fat"

For my baptism, I bought myself a present. A bracelet.

It has quotes on it.

It says in little circles three word sentences: I am strong. I am precious. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am hope. I am whole. I am unique. I am redeemed.

These are things I am choosing to believe about myself these days.

If God accepts me as I am, I had better do the same.

Jeremiah 1:5--“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

I am unique. There is no one else on this planet quite like me. God has set a path for me to follow.

James 1:4-- "Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I am whole. I have found my calling. I am loved by the Lord. That is more than enough.

2 Thessalonians 1:11-- "With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith."

I am worthy. I trust in the Lord. I may not know what all is in store for me, but I trust that it is what I need.

Romans 5: 3-4--" Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

I am hope because I am still alive today.

1 Peter 2:4--"As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him—"

I am precious for I am chosen by Him. Although I did my best to abandon the Lord, He never left me.

Exodus 15:2--"The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him."

I am strong thanks to Him, not because of the silly Chinese character tattoo on my hip.

Psalm 139: 14--"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

I am beautiful for the Lord created me. He made me the way he saw fit.

Isaiah 43:1--"But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel:'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.'"

I am redeemed because I have accepted Jesus as my Savior.

I am all of those things and much more. That is what matters to me the most these days, although I am imperfect and forget who I am. I forget the woman I was created to be.

And for a time, that woman was fat. And was only unloved by herself.

"I pray I'll never be fat again"

I would be dishonest if I claimed that thought has never crossed my mind about myself.

I pray that I never lose all that I have gained in the past year. I pray that I never forget who I am. I pray that I never deny myself again.

For the woman I have become would not have existed if I had never been fat. And with that knowledge, I can't look at being fat as a curse.

As for this woman, being fat turned into the ultimate blessing.