don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down whether or not you ever show up

I find myself at an interesting crossroads these days.

I realize that a lot of what I am experiencing is due to the recovery from addiction process, as there will never be a point in my life where I can say "Presto! I've recovered!".

Recovery is ongoing and will be, until the day I go meet Jesus.

For example, I have not smoked a cigarette in over 5 years...yet I still want a cigarette daily. I make the choice everyday to not drive to the nearest gas station and buy myself a pack.

I know I will be battling the urge to not medicate myself with food daily. Although I know I physically can not eat like I used to, in my darkest moments, I start thinking of ways to get around that hurdle. Because the old adage "where there is a will, there is a way" is so true. If I hit rock bottom again, I will figure out a way to medicate. Relapse can happen to me at any moment.

I make the choice not to succumb. And it's so damn hard. It's exhausting. I want a break for one day, but it's just not possible.

Part of these crossroads is the anger that bubbles up inside of me over comments made to me. Things I read. Looks I get.

Some of this anger feels irrational to me, but I still have to process it and work through it. If I hold it inside, I will fail at sticking with recovery. No doubt.

I started this blog, ironically enough, to chronicle my weight loss journey and to be open about weight loss surgery.

Yet, I have reached a point where I am sick and tired of people being so intrigued by my weight loss.

I gave a talk last month. After much internal debate, I decided to show a picture of myself pre-Roosevelt, as my weight loss was a very small part of the overall story I wanted to share.

As the pictures flashed on the screen, I heard the audience reaction. It fed my ego and angered me at the same time.

Afterwards, I had people come up to me to tell me that they really wanted to hear the story of my weight loss.

I was floored. I had just shared a very intimate story about my past, which left me feeling so vulnerable I was petrified to go home and eat anything, as I was afraid I would not be able to stop eating once I started.

Yet, I had people telling me that what they really wished they had shared was how I lost the weight.

It made me feel so invalidated.

Earlier that week, as I was reading posts on a KNITTING website I frequent, I found my old pal shame bearing down on me.

All because there was a post by a woman showing off a sweater she had knitted to celebrate losing weight. And in her post, she made a point to share that she had lost all of her weight without resorting to surgery.

Then other women commented, saying how great it was that she had lost the weight without surgery.

Anger bubbled up in me and I started writing a post telling her that there is nothing wrong with needing surgery to help people lose weight and it is just as hard to take weight off with surgery as it is without.

I deleted the post, as I am trying to learn to not stir the pot too much on the internet, as no good comes out of it.

However, it was just one more reminder of why I had wanted to keep my weight loss surgery a secret initially.

There is nothing wrong with needing weight loss surgery. There is nothing shameful about having it done.

If you needed to amputate your hand to save your life, you would do it.

I needed to have 3/4 of my stomach removed to save mine.

Do I have my days where I wish I could have just dieted and lost the weight and kept it off without surgery? Damn right.

But I could not keep the weight off without drastic measures. And for me, it's not just about having a smaller stomach, it's working out why I ate.

To be honest, if I were to ever give a talk on my weight loss, I would stress the importance of therapy, because I firmly believe that if you can not figure out why you ate yourself to obesity, you will fail at keeping weight off.

I failed at keeping weight off. I've lost a lot of weight before, with dieting. And I gained it all back, because I never worked on the true problem. The reason why I ate.

So, for me, the key to my weight loss has been working on the reason I eat.

Because all I know all too well that I can regain all the weight I've lost post surgery.

In fact, someone else who has had weight loss surgery informed me that I would regain all the weight I've lost, because she has.

That was a fun moment. I love being told what my future entails.

And this is just one ongoing struggle I face. The shame over having to resort to weight loss surgery. The judgement, either real or perceived that I get from people when I tell them I had the surgery.

I get tired of having to explain to people that yes, I really don't get hungry anymore.

I grow weary of having people question what I eat.

I'm just weary.

I don't like not knowing what will cause me to snap. I don't like not knowing what physical reaction I will have to food. I don't like not knowing in general.

I choose to focus on the positive as much as I can, but I have my days where i just need to wallow in the negative.

Fortunately, the wallowing never lasts as long as it could, because I realize just how truly blessed I am.

I was able to have this surgery, with few long term complications.

The way my life has changed since the day of surgery is remarkable. I wouldn't trade what I have now for anything. Except maybe for Jesse Williams in my bed and a winning million dollar lottery ticket.

My life is certainly not perfect. It is messy, but it is mine and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And I would not put the lid back on my personal Pandora's box. I do not regret being open about my weight loss surgery.

Yet, that doesn't change the fact that I wish other people's perceptions and fascination with my weight loss surgery would go away.