You're givin' me a million reasons

I have a new TV obsession.

Every Tuesday night, from 9pm to 10pm, I have a standing date with "This is Us"

One storyline in particular that has me grabbing the Kleenex more than ever now is the story of the sister Kate and her sudden decision to pursue weight loss surgery

(spoiler warning)

Kate was asked by a thin and beautiful actress if she was afraid to lose the weight and find out nothing has changed in her life

Thank you writers of "This is Us" for this story line

It is not a perfect story line, but that moment just hit home for this girl who has had weight loss surgery

That was a huge fear of mine before the surgery, that I would go through this surgery, change my digestive system forever and nothing would change except for my pant size

Thankfully, for me, that has not been the case. So much has changed

Except for one nagging area

My love life

And there are many reasons it bothers me so much suddenly

For so long, I have tied my inability to find a relationship with my weight

I have stated repeatedly that I did not get weight loss surgery for any other reason than to be physically healthy again

However, I can no longer continue to lie and hide the fact that a very small part of me thought that I'd lose the weight and find the man of my dreams

After all, that is how it works in books, on TV, in the movies...ugly duckling loses weight, becomes beautiful and finds her happily ever after

I have been told if I could just lose weight, men would find me more attractive...probably the most painful time I have heard that was post-coital, in the arms of a man

So, I have lost the weight

And no white knight has showed up on his horse to whisk me off my feet

Just this morning, as I drove with my sweet father, I started grilling him. Asking him just how fat I was. Asking him just how unattractive he would consider me.

My sweet daddy, where I get my honesty from, told me I was not fat, but I was not thin. That he would call me healthy. And that I was not unattractive.

This all started from realizing that once more, I had found myself in an unhealthy friendship, one in which I was being used as a surrogate girlfriend by a man who has no desire to date me

And it stings

He did nothing wrong

Yet, I let the little girl inside of me, the one who ate up fairy tales, the one who believed in true love, the one who had been rejected and bullied for so long, I let her take lead on this one

I let myself believe that this man, this man would look at me one day and confess his undying love for me

And I would get my Hollywood ending

Yet, I am not going to get that with this particular man.

And since I'm going for honesty here, is he the type of man I want to date? In many ways, he has the qualities I want in a mate

But he is not the man for me, which I knew well before this morning

And I have been berating myself all day for my foolishness, allowing myself to get into this situation where I have found myself before

Cursing myself that I have wasted a ton of money on therapy since I can't fix this part of myself, this part that latches onto these fantasies, the part that wants the "hot" guy to claim me as his own

This part that ends up in tears, wondering how she ended up here again

And realizing that by latching onto these men who do not want me, it's an odd way of protecting myself from getting hurt

As if I don't let myself be completely open to all possibilities, to the man that God wants me to meet, if that is indeed meant to be part of His plans for me, I'm just hurting myself more

And I think part of the reason I find myself crying today is that one of my biggest fears from having this surgery is true, that this one part of my life has not changed

Because I am still alone

Because I can stand in front of a man, ask him to love me and still be told that I am not good enough to be loved by him

And I'm thinner. I should be able to find a man, according to all the romance books and Hollywood

So this inability to find myself a man then has me criticizing my appearance

Because the weight loss did not change my face, so my outside is just plain ugly

And no amount of weight loss can cure that

And feeling so unlovable is just not good

If I could gorge myself still, I'd be drowning my sorrows in pizza, followed by queso and chips, followed by God knows what until I ate myself into a stupor and still feel like shit

So, that has changed at least. That I know eating away the pain is not the best way to deal with the pain

And I know I'm not some hideous beast. Or am trying to convince myself I'm not

I'm not going to solve this particular problem of mine today

I did make the big step of trying to extricate myself from this relationship with this man

Instead of continuing to stand in front of him, asking him to prove to me that I am lovable. Asking him to show me my worth through wanting me to be his girlfriend

When I know that my worth is so much more than being someone's girlfriend

And that I am lovable.

And that just because this particular man doesn't want to date me, it does not mean that no man will ever want to date me

And it doesn't mean that I ultimately want to wind up in a relationship

But the little girl in me really wants my shot at that Hollywood ending

And I can't get her to stop hoping

All I can do is continue to pray that I stay on the track I need to be on, the path I am meant to be walking

And not get distracted by other people who use me a replacement for others in their lives, as the replacement friend, as the surrogate girlfriend, as the runner up for who they really want to be spending their time with, because this man is not the first to use me as his runner up.

But damn it, I can let him be the last.