'Cause I’m a little unsteady

"I just want something to tell me that I'm doing the right thing"

Isn't that what we all want?

To be assured that the choices we are making in life are the right ones?

That we have approval? That we have support?

Almost two years after my weight loss surgery, I realize that no one, upon hearing my decision , told me I was making the right choice.

My sister questioned why I didn't just go back to Weight Watchers or work a little harder at sticking to a diet

My mother tried to tell me I was making a huge mistake, as she was learning of all these people who had had the surgery, only to gain back all of the weight

Friends questioned the decision. Tried to tell me I was fine just the way I was. Told me my weight didn't matter

People I barely knew, but met through weight loss surgery message boards, told me I was picking the wrong surgery. That one form of permanently restricting my food intake was vastly superior to another

I even had a doctor tell me I was making a mistake, because inevitably I would gain the weight back or not lose as much as I needed to lose to be healthy

Still, I went with my gut. And lost 3/4 of it.

I know I made the right choice 99% of the time

Then there are the days where my head is pounding or my back is killing me. And I can no longer take Advil. And Tylenol does nothing for the pain, so I just have to wait it out.

Or I see pizza and wish I could have a slice

Little things that make me wish that my digestive system was still normal.

My immune system has gone downhill in the past two years as well

Part of me assumes it is because of my volunteering in the toddler room at church

Part of me assumes it's because I'm malnourished due to my weight loss surgery

It's crazy to think I'd rather deal with a bunch of colds, weird viruses and so on then be close to 300 pounds still

Yet, for a bite of pizza, I'd be willing to be morbidly obese again

Which shows me that while so much about my life as changed, core things are still the same

Food is still my nemesis

Food still tempts me more than I ever want to admit

When my emotions spin out of control, I still think about eating for comfort. I just don't

I'm perfectly imperfect

And that's ok. I made my decision and I am living with it daily. I really don't have another option

It's one of those things that isn't reversible

I can't walk into a surgeon's office and ask them to put the rest of my stomach back

I can't change the fact that no one told me I was making the right decision

At times since my surgery, I have felt so alone

And it's hard to put into words why

I feel weird complaining about my side effects

I chose this. I was not forced to have this surgery. It is working.

I should be content. So I don't complain.

I still kind of avoid social situations where food will be involved, but for completely different reasons

I used to dread them because I felt judged for eating. I now dread them for I get questioned about my lack of eating

Dating is still a minefield for me.

I could once blame my lack of success on my girth

Now that I'm trying to date again and having no luck, I can now only assume it's my appearance still

I know all of this inner turmoil is because I'm still in early recovery from an addiction that held me in its grasp for over 30 years

I can't expect to be magically better after 21 months of sobriety

I am better because my renewed relationship with God.

None of this is easy, but my faith in Him makes it possible to get through each day

I dare say it's a lot easier then it would be without Him

I've done it without Him, tried sobriety and it did not last

With Him, it is bearable

With Him, I will make it

Because of Him, I know I did the right thing.