Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

Perhaps if bullying someone for their size wasn't so accepted in our society, I would have never gone through with my surgery.

Perhaps if the size acceptance movement wasn't a relatively new phenomenon, the weight loss industry wouldn't be a billion dollar a year business.

Perhaps if I had not been teased about my appearance and size from an early age, I would have better self esteem.

Perhaps if society had latched onto a negative view of fat shaming decades ago, instead of just in the past few years, we'd all be a lot kinder.

Calling someone fat is one of the last remaining accepted forms of bullying. Trying to embrace your fat, trying to accept yourself, no matter what your size is, is a difficult feat. Or for me, at least it was, when I was told from the age of 7 that I was too big. I wasn't good enough to be friends with certain kids. I was an easy target. A born people pleaser, I did not learn to stand up for myself until my 30s. I was of the mindset that it was better to be torn down than to assert myself, for fears of more anger thrown my way.

I certainly was not the largest girl in my school. I certainly was not the hideous beast I was told I was by classmates. I was tormented by girls larger than me. To this day, I still don't know why I was made a target. I wish I knew the answer. I know for sure that I will never attend a high school reunion to see the people that called me fat daily. The people who made fun of the way I dressed. The people who made fun of me for just trying to be myself.

Perhaps if these people treated me in the high school the way they try to treat me on social media today, I would not be so steadfast in my refusal to attend a reunion. I don't care that nearly 20 years have gone by. I have forgiven them as much as I possibly can, for the damage they they caused me. For the harm they did to my self esteem. For the mess they helped to create of my self-confidence. However, I can't forget.

Perhaps if my parents had not threatened to send me to fat camp.

Perhaps if my father had not told me that I needed to lose weight after watching me dance in a dance recital at the age of 9. I quit dance after that.

Perhaps if I had not been told by my mother that I would meet a cute boy on our summer vacation, because "no boy will ever date a fat girl"

Perhaps if the boys I had dated had never asked me "don't you want to get in shape?"

Perhaps if I had not been told repeatedly, by numerous people that I'd be much prettier if I just lost weight

There are so many "perhaps" moments in my life that led me to March 2.

Perhaps if American society didn't equate being thin with being happy

Perhaps if a man I dated for months hadn't told me that if I could just lose my gut and chins, I'd be more attractive.

Perhaps if I had kicked that man in the nuts instead of just sitting there, listening to him, with tears welling in my eyes.

Perhaps if I had stood up for myself in school, instead of letting myself be cut down, by fellow students, by teachers

Perhaps if I had told off the teacher that told me I was wearing my likeness the day I wore a t-shirt with a manatee on it to school instead of just sitting in horror as my classmates laughed

Perhaps if it wasn't considered brave for an actress to post a picture of herself without makeup

Perhaps if people didn't become internet celebrities simply because they weigh 380 pounds and posted a YouTube video of themselves dancing

Perhaps if people complimented each other more on personality, creativity, intelligence, humor, etc instead of appearance

Perhaps if the first way most people insult each other wasn't based on physical appearance

Perhaps if fat wasn't used as a barb

Perhaps if we all saw each other as the perfectly imperfect human beings we are and accepted one another the way God wants us to, instead of shunning each other because we don't look like a picture in a magazine

Perhaps if appearance wasn't so damn important

Perhaps if online dating wasn't just a glorified version of online shopping, in which perfectly good people are passed over because they're not photogenic

Perhaps if men didn't place in their online dating profiles they only want a woman who takes care of herself, aka, thin

Perhaps if I wasn't told that I'm working hard to better myself only because I'm losing weight

Perhaps if it wasn't implied that I was a broken hot mess of humanity until I underwent surgery to reduce my stomach to a tiny little pouch that only holds 4 ounces of food, in order to force myself to fit into these crazy standards society imposes

Perhaps I had the surgery in order to improve my health

Perhaps I realize that being skinny is not a magic cure all

Perhaps the fact that I no longer care if I am rejected based on my appearance, even after losing close to 70 pounds in 6 months

Perhaps the fact is that I realize that there was nothing wrong with me all along

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....