I'm envious of alcoholics and drug addicts at the moment.
I have not gone completely off the deep end (yet).
I envy them because they can fully abstain from their addiction. Not that it's an easy feat. If recovering from an addiction was simple, there'd be no need for any type of 12 step group. Or medication to help you wean off your drug of choice. Therapists wouldn't have so many patients. Recovering from an addiction is hard, to put it simply.
Quitting smoking cold turkey was much easier than the road I find myself on now.
Yes, my name is Darcey and I am addicted to food. Not just junk food. Or chocolate. Or bread. Or cheese. I used to be able to easily binge on vegetables as I could on pizza. All food is loved by me.
I could easily be someone that blames my diabetes for my weight issues. The random injuries I've received from working out. I used to cross my fingers every time that my doctor ordered blood work to check my thyroid, because it would be so much easier to explain my weight if it was a medical problem. I'm currently obsessed with a new (to me) reality show, My Big Fat Fabulous Life. The focus of the show is Whitney, a woman in her early 30s, who weighs 380 pounds. Whitney became "famous" for posting a video of herself dancing on YouTube. At least 3 times a show, Whitney references the fact that she is morbidly obese because she has PCOS. It drives me nuts. I feel empathy for her, because being that large is not easy, even with a supportive group of friends and family around you, which Whitney has. I watch her cry over people who leave her nasty comments online. There has been a couple of episodes where people openly make fun of her.
I bring up the show and Whitney, because she repeatedly says her weight problem is all because of her PCOS. However, I know that's not the case. PCOS plays a part in it, but I recognize a fellow addict when I see one.
I used to play the game so well. I'd do my best to hide my powerlessness over food from everyone. Living alone has helped. The overabundance of self checkout lines has helped.
I don't remember when it all started, but at some point in my early childhood, I learned that food made me feel better. When I was sad, it cheered me up. When I was happy, it tasted better. When I was angry, it calmed me down.
However, when I decided to quit smoking, it was easy. I stopped buying cigarettes. I asked my friends to not give me any, even when I begged. Somehow, it worked.
When I had to drink drinking soda prior to surgery, I just stopped. Same with my old addiction to chewing gum. I just stopped. Never been tempted to use it again. Smelling soda makes me feel queasy, so I am not tempted at all.
Yet, I can't stop eating. I could never stop eating. No one can. And no matter how hard I tried to stay away from the "bad" food, I couldn't. And funny thing--you can gain weight if you binge on fruit. If you binge on vegetables. If you just eat more than one person should in a day, it does not matter how healthy the food is--it's still too much.
7 months post surgery, I am still tempted to try to eat the foods I used to rely on for comfort. When I cave, it's bad. The foods that used to make me feel better make me physically ill now. When just one tablespoon of Ben & Jerry's makes you sprint for the toilet, you're going to end that relationship.
So, once more, in a place I thought I'd never be, jealous of other addicts, for their "easy to beat" addictions. Trying to learn other ways to deal with my emotions, instead of numbing myself with food.
I know I'll get to a place where I won't automatically think "What can I eat?" when I'm faced with any type of emotional upheaval. I just wish I knew when.
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