No, I have not completely lost my mind.
I have loved the manatee for years. It is my favorite aquatic mammal. Something about their sweet faces makes me melt. They have a perma-grin. They're gentle giants. They're beautiful, made by God. The only bad thing about manatees is their endangered status.
When I was in my junior year of high school, I was in Mr. Friant's English class. Mr. Friant was a pompous ass of a man, who was always blunt with his students.
I had a t-shirt that I loved, that had a picture of a manatee's face on it.
I wore the shirt to school, proudly displaying my love for the wonderful manatee.
In Mr. Friant's class that day, he chose to say this to me "Miss Mesaris, I see you're wearing your likeness today."
To a sixteen year old girl who had been bullied for the majority of her school career, who had not been asked out on a date yet, who felt that she was invisible to boys, who already felt that she was unattractive due to the things she was told about herself for 11 years by her classmates and others, he might as well have asked me to strip naked and parade down the hallway. To a sixteen year old girl who had been battling her weight since the age of 8, being told that she was akin to a creature that was round and big...bullies just aren't classmates
I sat there stunned. And went home, took off my shirt and never wore it in public again.
21 years later, I finally have forgiven him.
I now have manatee socks. And carry around a Tervis cup with a manatee on it. If someone sees my cup and thinks that I'm like a manatee, well, so be it. There are worse things in life to be compared to. I'd rather be like a manatee than a lot of other things.
So much of my weight problem resulted from the things that others told me I was.
Tuning out those voices is one of the hardest hurdles I struggle to overcome, because a lot of days, I still hear the taunts I used to get. A few months ago, pre-surgery, I was leaving PetSmart. I passed two young men, in their 20s. One made a comment about my appearance, saying that he'd shoot himself before he looked like me. The other one laughed and said that they were sure that the dog I was buying food for was cuter than me.
I put my head down and pushed my cart even faster to my car, ashamed.
I sat in my car for a few minutes, trying to compose myself before I drove home. Part of me wanted to march into the store and berate those two children. The other part just wanted to go home and cry.
I did neither. I went, got some fried white cheddar bites at Zaxby's, ate my feelings away, then went home and tried to forget.
Eventually, I forgave those two men.
Honestly, I've been tormented by better.
I have worked very hard to ease my shame. To no longer believe what I was told for so long. It helped to do a talk on being bullied. My only regret is that I did that talk before I was truly ready to do it. One day though, God will give me the chance to speak again on my past, on being bullied. And I look forward to it.
It does pain me when others tell me how much better my life is now that I'be had the surgery and lost so much weight. That I'll find a man because I've worked so hard. That everything in my life will be better.
My life was not bad before surgery.
Losing weight does not change a damn thing about one's life, except their pant size.
I tried online dating again recently.
I wish Match.com gave refunds. I reached out to over 20 men, emailing them. I "winked" at more.
Only one showed interest back and that fizzled out quickly, as I realized that as nice as he seemed, I knew the only reason I was excited by him is because he winked back.
My month back on Match just showed me that I'm not ready to be out there again. I have no idea why I got no nibbles. I blamed my appearance, what I said in my profile...but I have no idea. If I knew why people were attracted to who they are, I could make millions. It is a mystery to me why some people are coupled and others are not.
Losing 80+ pounds did nothing to improve my love life. Nor has it magically resolved my debt.
However, it has brought me back to Jesus. It has made me more authentic. It has made me reclaim the manatee.
My icuTalk on bullying:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqJwBfleIyM
And my current favorite bible verse:
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God made me this way, has led me on the path my life has taken. Who am I to doubt that what lies behind me and what lies in front of me is not his plan for me?
No comments:
Post a Comment