All I know is a new found grace

Nine months have come and gone since I entered the operating room at Lake Norman Regional hospital.

So much has changed since that day.

The woman who entered that operating room was not a bad person. She was flawed, but all of us are flawed.

In some ways, I am still that woman.

I sit here and I still have her sense of humor.

I sit here and I still have her love of knitting.

I sit here and I still have her love of reading.

I sit here and I still have her love of animals.

However, that 90 minute surgery changed my life in so many ways.

I sit here, writing this, under 200 pounds again for the first time in two years.

I sit here, off medications I thought I'd need for the rest of my life.

I sit here, with the a1c of a non-diabetic person.

I sit here, with an increased sense of empathy towards others.

I sit here, uncomfortably, because my ass has lost so much padding it hurts to sit for long and my tailbone throbs, thanks to an old injury.

I sit here, in pantyhose that do not fit correctly because I still buy the queen plus size.

I sit here, in a size large skirt that fits me perfectly.

I sit here, with fabulous hair that has finally stopped thinning after surgery

I sit here with a healing burn on my forehead from my attempts to curl my hair, as I have become more vain since surgery.

I sit here, freezing, because my body is used to being covered in 80 more pounds.

I sit here, unexcited about food, because I no longer live to eat.

I sit here, silently laughing at my coworker bragging needlessly about having lost a pants size when someone asks me if I've lost weight, as I've lost 8 pant sizes so far.

I sit here, with a cross around my wrist, that I trace with my finger when I need to calm down. Or to have strength.

I sit here, feeling a peace inside that comes from praying daily.

I sit here, content, as the choosier I have gotten about who I spend time with, the happier I am.

I sit here, knowing that my future is going to be better than I could have imagined, because I have found God again.

I sit here, writing, unafraid to use my voice.

I sit here, slightly bitter that I let my weight hold me back for so long.

I sit here, mentally beating myself up because I believed what others told me for so long.

I sit here, relieved that I finally no longer see myself through the eyes of those who were cruel to me.

I sit here, knowing that I am worthy of love, because I am loved. By people who loved me prior to surgery and still love me, even with all my changes.

I sit here, having captioned a picture today on Facebook with the caption "nine months since gastric sleeve surgery" and no longer care about being so secretive about my surgery.

I sit here, knowing I still have a good bit of weight left to lose and am worried that it won't come off, because Roosevelt is not a magic weight loss tool.

I sit here, grateful for the people who simply tell me I look good and don't ask any questions.

I sit here, grateful for so many things.

I sit here, knowing that all of this change has not come easily. I fought it.

I sit here, knowing that giving up my fight, accepting Jesus as my savior, has brought me more grace than I ever knew before.

I sit here, knowing that my life is better than it was 9 months ago. However, it's not just because I lost weight. It's from what I gained from losing weight. What I gained from months of therapy. What I gained by opening my heart to new situations.

I sit here, knowing that sometimes, when I see food or daydream about being able to eat whatever I wanted again, that I wish I could have become the person I was always meant to be without losing 3/4 of my stomach.

I sit here, knowing that it was all worth it, even when I vomit from eating simple carbs or get painful heartburn.

I sit here, proud of who I am and the woman that I was nine months ago, because even though my exterior has changed, I will always have that other woman in my heart and I wouldn't have it any other way, as being that other woman for 36 years made me who I've become today.