And I'm not going to post any progress pictures, for the first time since August.
Not because I haven't progressed the past month.
Not because I'm not proud of all the changes I've made.
Not because I don't like the way I look in photos.
It's because no picture taken can accurately reflect just how far I've come in the past ten months.
I've haven't just been undergoing a physical transformation.
A photograph can't show the peace I have been making with myself.
A photograph can't show how I'm taking better care of myself.
A photograph can't show that I'm no longer numb thanks to my addiction.
A photograph can't show just how perfect my butt is. No photograph will ever accurately capture that majestic feature.
A photograph can't show my renewed spirituality.
A photograph can't show just how much I have gained.
The other day, I did a quiz on Facebook to see what my word for 2016 would be. I got change.
My first reaction was "Crap. I want a calm year. I don't want any more change in my life."
Since 2013, my life has been on a nonstop trajectory. I laugh when I think about how I assumed my life would be on the cusp of 2016. I thought I would be married to the man I considered the love of my life, with at least one child, a boy we'd name Arthur. Or a girl called Catherine. I planned to be a manger with the Greenville County Library System. We'd live in his house, in the suburbs. Life would have been idyllic.
Obviously, that plan did not happen. I ended my relationship with that man. After realizing I was trapped in a dead end with my job in Greenville, I found a new job. I spent 1000 miles a week in my car, for ten months. My friendships suffered. My quality of life suffered. I had no life outside of work. Thankfully, I loved my job.
During all of this, I numbed myself as much as I ever had before. I ate. I ate my frustration. I ate my boredom. I ate my loneliness. I ate my heartbreak. I ate my disappointment over my failed relationship. I ate because I was unhappy at my clothes no longer fitting. I ate because I didn't know any other way to deal with all of the changes 2013 brought.
I did find my therapist in late 2013, after another two hour drive to Charlotte, during which I alternately sobbed and stuffed my mouth full of food.
2014 was more change. I began the work I needed to do to heal myself. I finally moved. I had surgery twice, to fix my carpal tunnel in both hands. I found a community in Charlotte. I put my Greenville house on the market. I made the decision to pursue weight loss surgery.
I didn't eat quite as much, but I still ate. I still had a void to fill. I still had feelings to numb.
As 2014 rolled into 2015, I knew more change was ahead. I knew I'd be having my weight loss surgery early in the year. I knew I'd hopefully be selling my house. I knew that by the time 2016 rolled around, things would be different, again.
Little did I know all of the changes that would happen.
Yes, I lost 3/4 of my stomach. I've lost close to 90 pounds so far. Those were planned changes.
I finally made huge strides in my addiction to food. I am not cured. I am still an addict. I will always be a food addict. I'm fully aware that I can slip in my recovery at any moment.
My community of people I surround myself with is different. I've shut out most of the toxic people in my life. I've lessened their grip on me. I'm much choosier about who I spend my time with.
Now that I no longer numb myself with food, I'm no longer content with settling. I'm no longer content with being inauthentic. I'm no longer content with shuffling through life.
And the biggest gain in my life is that I realized what the void I had been trying to fill so desperately was. I assumed it was a relationship with a man.
I was just wrong about the man I needed in my life.
Now that Jesus is in my life, I'm no longer scared of 2016 being yet another year of change.
I read something earlier that sort of sums up why I fought Him for so long. It was a quote, which read "I hate when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the damn script."
I thought that if I prayed enough, if I was faithful enough, that God would fulfill my desires. However, life was not turning out how I prayed it would. So, instead of trusting Him, I decided that I knew better. And that since He wasn't following my plans, I didn't need to follow him.
I've always said I'm not as smart as people think I am.
Little did I know that the whole time I thought He wasn't listening to me, he was. He was guiding me, although I thought I was alone.
And having the void in my life filled by Him, having this peace in my life, well, I'm not as angry as I used to be. I'm not as lost as I used to be. I'm not as hungry as I used to be.
And whatever I try to write about this huge change on my life, it stumps me, as everything I try to express about faith seems trivial. I don't feel worthy enough to write about it, but I still do, as He gave me the gift of writing. Who am I to deny that gift He gave me?
And all of these gains in my life, especially the fact that the void is gone, are unable to be truly reflected in a photograph.
My happiness shines through, but it's not just because I'm a shadow of the woman I was a year ago. In so many ways, I'm so much bigger than she ever could have been. And I couldn't be happier or prouder of those gains.
No comments:
Post a Comment