this brokenness inside me might start healing

Once upon a time, I had a very bad habit of tearing myself down.

I would make comments about my size and appearance in conversations, bringing attention to my girth, the fact I believed I was unattractive. I made fun of myself first, before others could. That was my reasoning. If I belittled myself, it would not hurt when others did it. My self-hatred was the armor I used to protect myself against bullying.

This armor I built did not protect me. I was still wounded by the words and actions of others.

I remember being told by a boy I adored, who I thought loved me, that he couldn't been seen with me in public, as I was not the type of girl he could be seen dating.

I remember being asked if I was adopted, because I was so ugly compared to my sisters.

I remember being called dumb dancing moose.

I remember being told at the age of 9 that I needed to go on a diet so that I would be pretty.

I remember my first stint at online dating, after telling one potential suitor thank but no thanks, that I couldn't afford to be so picky, as I was lucky that he had shown interest, as most men wouldn't have.

I remember being laughed at on the first day of school, for the way I was dressed.

I remember being told I was a big fat worthless piece of shit my freshman year of college.

I remember so many things that chipped away at my armor, until it broke in places.

I was told so many things about how I should view myself that I began to believe them.

I did things to try to win friends and influence people that make me cringe to remember them.

I've gotten a lot better.

I've learned that tearing myself down does nothing helpful. It does not endear people to me. It does not necessarily make them feel sorry for me. It's rather selfish behavior, to tear yourself down.

Being called ugly cuts, even when you are talking about yourself.

Telling yourself you are a fat, worthless human who can't do anything right, it wounds you.

I've learned that if I can't be myself around someone, I don't want to be around them.

I have learned that just because one person tells me I'm unlovable or unlikable, it doesn't apply to all of society.

I have learned that all of the wounds I've incurred over the years have made me one strong woman.

I have learned that it's okay to be depressed.

I have learned that I am not as broken as I thought I was.

I have learned that showing my true self to people is the best thing I can do.

I have learned that there are people out there who will love the authentic Darcey more than I ever thought possible.

I have learned that I am healing.

I have learned that Jesus was always with me, even when I felt so alone.

I have learned to stop blaming God and thank him instead.

I have learned that the way God made me is perfect.

Most important of all, I have learned that being a Christian, that accepting Jesus as my savior, that living my life for him, is my purpose. And as long as I let go my soul and trust in him, it is well.