the heart of the matter

Today, a little over ten months post gastric sleeve, I got some not so positive health news.

In August, my A1C, the measure of how well my diabetes was under control, was 5.6, which meant that it was so tightly controlled I could go off all my insulin. I, after over a decade of dealing with diabetes, finally had concrete proof that the gastric sleeve surgery had done what I wanted most--get my diabetes under remission, so to speak.

Today, I went to my endocrinologist, who tested my A1C again. It's gone up, so it's now over 7.

Hearing that news threw me for a loop.

The old doubt monster crept into my head--was the surgery worth it, what was I doing wrong, why had it gone up, who was I to think I could conquer diabetes for longer than a few months, failure, failure, failure.

I felt this wave of anger wash over me. I felt the weight of the monkey that is my depression climb onto my shoulder. I felt foolish, for getting too confident, for bragging about how healthy I was getting. For finally, the other shoe dropped. The pessimist inside of me wasn't surprised that my A1C had gone up. Life has been too full of moments of joy lately. Of course something had to give.

It seems silly, to be so upset over a slight increase in my A1C.

However, that seemingly small increase, coupled with a big old plateau in weight loss and other niggling little health issues I had been hoping for improvement for with Roosevelt, it's a big blow.

It's just a slight setback. And if i can quit wallowing and look at the overall picture of my health, I'm a completely different woman than I was a year ago at this time.

I knew this journey was not going to be unicorns eating rainbows and pooping butterflies.

I never knew how much I would gain by losing.

I just had no idea what the future was going to bring for me, except for smaller pants.

And realistically, I knew there would be days like today.

I was just hopeful that it would be further on down the road. Not 10 months down the road.

Yet, I need to focus on how much has changed.

I told myself I was not going to make any resolutions this year, because I'm in a constant state of metamorphosis. I decided to make goals for myself instead.

Those goals all have to do with continuing to improve my quality of life:
1. Continue to work on my addiction
2. Focus my energy on those who bring joy to my life
3. Continue to attend church
4. Pray more
5. Read the bible more
6. Read more in general (for a librarian, I have been slacking in the reading department)
7. Write more
8. Ride my bike again
9. Meditate more
10. Make a list of what/who I am thankful for every night before falling asleep

Nowhere on the list is continue to lose weight. Or continue to work on my health, because I do that daily. It's part of my routine. If I focused harder on it, I'd be a very boring individual to be around.

So, instead of focusing on that higher number, which is killing me, as I have let numbers control me far too long, I will focus on what is better in my life.

I will focus on the joy I experience everyday, thanks to my olive juice girls.

I will focus on the strength I have inside of me, that has brought me this far in life.

I will continue to talk to God, I will continue to get on my knees daily to pray and to thank Him for all He has done for me.

I will not let that number take control, just as I refuse to let the number on the scale take control again. Or let the number on the size label of my jeans define me.

Instead, I will let love define me. The love of others and the love I have for myself.

Most of all, I will let the love that God has for me define me. And my love of Him define me.

I will not be held back by a number.

I trace the cross I wear around my wrist and remind myself that I am not in control of my life. God is. That is the heart of the matter. He is in control and I surrender myself to Him.