Part of what I do for a living is to classify things by trying to fit them into categories and assign them a number, so they can be found.
Suffice it to say, I've been thinking a lot about labels these days.
Food labels. Clothing labels. Labels for different genres of books. And so on...
The other night, when I could not sleep, as my brain would not turn off, I was pondering what labels I could apply to myself.
Christian
Owner of a gastric sleeve
Librarian
Writer
Daughter
Sister
Aunt
Knitter
Reader
Writer
Animal Lover
Friend
These are the most basic ways I would describe myself to anyone I was trying to get to know.
Then I slid down the rabbit hole of other labels that have been used and are probably still used to describe me.
Not pretty
Fat
Crazy
Aggressive
Not pretty, but not cute
Bitchy
Quiet
Weird, creative snob
Loser
Talks funny
Freak
Miss Piggy
These are the labels I remember the most. These are the labels that helped me define myself for years. The labels I used as an excuse for shutting myself away in my home. The labels I used as reasoning for why I struggled to make friends. The labels that allowed me to wallow in self pity. The labels that held me back.
It's funny. Our society must label everything, classify everything into genres and groups and subgroups, etc. We have health food, junk food, fiction, nonfiction, secular, nonsecular, etc.
We label ourselves.
More labels I have to describe me, beyond my basic qualities.
Introverted
Creative
Generous
Funny
Thinker
Sarcastic
Avid apologizer
Faithful
Forgiving
And labels that others have been telling me they use to describe me these days, which I am still trying to wrap my head around
Brave
Strong
Inspiring
Loved
Rockstar
Beautiful
Talented soul
Charming
Motivating
These are labels I am earning and pray that I can justify earning them one day.
And however flattering labels can be, the negative one are problematic, because in my case, those are the ones I've heard for so long. Those are the ones I fear will forever define me.
I heard a song for the first time the other day, "Burning House" by Cam, and it resonated with me more powerfully that I anticipated. The opening lyric, which is also the title of this blog, made me think about how ensnared I have been for long. I honestly had no idea if I would ever see myself differently.
For years, I did not like what I saw in the mirror. I did not like having my picture taken. I had barriers up around me, so not to let people in, as I was afraid if people truly saw me, they would reject me.
Maturing has helped. Therapy has helped. I can not say enough about how much my life changed from deciding to seek professional help. Having the chance to start anew, in a different city did help.
Setting up boundaries between myself and people who are not healthy for me has helped, although this is an ongoing struggle. Cutting off people who did not to improve the quality of my life.
Deciding to be brave and seek out Jesus again has helped. Accepting the love of God and recognizing its power and His role in my life has helped.
Showing my vulnerability has helped. Allowing people to see all of me, not just the persona I want them to see has helped.
Trying to stop forcing myself to fit into any one box has also helped.
Realizing that in the long run, the opinions of most people do not matter to me. I know whose opinions do matter.
Finding myself surrounded by a supportive, loving group of friends has helped.
I am not naive to think I will ever stop labeling myself. That others will ever stop labeling me. What I can control is the power that those labels have over me.
I now know that the negative labels are cast on me by people who do not really know me.
And if they do sting, maybe I need to take a closer look at my visceral reaction to see if they are even a smidge too close to becoming reality.
Words only have as much power as one lets them have.
One label I cannot question is this: I am Darcey. I have flaws but I have many good qualities. I am worth getting to know.
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