With each pound that comes off, another flake in the varnish that I used to protect myself comes off as well.
I don't know when or who or how I decided that I needed to hide myself from the world at large.
Perhaps getting teased had a lot to do with it.
Perhaps having trouble making friends had a lot to do with it.
Perhaps our culture that celebrates slender women had a lot to do with it.
However, all I know is that growing up as a chubby girl who talked funny, I did not fit in easily. Plus, I was a weirdo who loved to read.
And although my past resembles more of a Grimm's Fairy Tale instead of a Disney movie, that's okay. I would not be who I am today if my past was different. And I like who I am now.
Losing weight is not the catalyst for me becoming more authentic.
It was finding a supportive community that helped me want to shed my protective cocoon. It's because at the age of 37, I know that the person I am when I am with my loved ones, when I am with people I trust...that woman is a rock star. She doesn't need to put on an act. She doesn't need to hide her thoughts or feelings. She doesn't need to be everyone's friend. She doesn't care about her weight or let her size define her. She doesn't try to stop herself from snorting when she laughs. She's real.
And my transformation, my shedding has not been easy on all of those around me. There is confusion. There is hurt. By standing up for myself, by choosing to live the way I want to live, to spend time with the people I choose, by saying no to invitations that do not appeal to me, by seeking out the community I need, by being selfish, I have hurt others. And that does bother me, yet, part of taking care of myself means that I can't put myself last anymore.
So, while I feel that I'me becoming beautiful, inside and out, I know I'm ugly to others. And that's okay. I can't waste my energy on pleasing everyone but myself.
And I am sure people are reading this thinking that I don't sound very Christian, however, just because I am a Christian doesn't mean that I can't be selfish. It doesn't mean that I have to please everyone around me to the point where I don't even want to leave my house because I'm so depleted of energy that I just can't be around other humans.
And the fact that I am a Christian, that I love Jesus and am not shy about my love for Him, it also turns people away from me, even more so then the fact I no longer bite my tongue and am quick to say whatever is on my mind.
If my love for Jesus, which is helping me be the most authentic version of myself that I have ever been, is driving people away, then so be it. I'd rather be real. I want to be the velveteen rabbit, who became real because he was so loved by his little girl that he lost his fur in spots. I am so loved by Jesus that I am losing my fur, so to speak. And I've never been more beautiful.
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