that choir sings way too loud

Giving up my crutch that I have relied on for the majority of my 38 years has been one of the hardest struggles of my life.

And I'm not referring to food.

There are times I am wistful for the days I was fat.

As when I was fat, I had a really good excuse

I didn't date, because I was fat

I didn't have a social life, because I was fat

I wasn't friendly, because I was a bullied fat girl

All of my perceived shortcomings, failures, etc....I could place the blame on one thing: my weight

Which is no longer a valid excuse

Well, some people still see me as overweight, but that is a can of worms I do not dare to crack open yet

Not having my girth to cushion me, so to speak, has reopened a lot of fears

Before, when people shunned me, I just wrote them off as fat people haters

Now, when I am shunned/shamed, I fear that it is because I am just inherently unlikable

Now, when I am bullied, it's because i still don't look like the status quo

It irks me when people tell me my life must be so much better now, that I should feel so good

Some days, I do feel good

Other days, I squat down and my knee still pops and hurts like the dickens, just as it did when I was 100 plus pounds heavier

Losing weight has not been the equivalent of my fairy godmother waving a magic wand over my life and making it into some kind of fairy tale

It irks me that people believe that it is

I am just irked

The novelty has worn off being asked if I've lost weight

Last night, I was trying to figure out why being grilled by the book club I lead at work on my weight loss sent me into a rage

These people see me monthly

These people have seen me monthly since I was just three months post-op

So, I have been shrinking steadily in front of them

Yet, yesterday was the first time any of them had commented on it

And they would not let it go

I just wanted to scream at them

Because being made the center of attention, particularly when it comes to my appearance, is one of my most hated things

And I feel so exposed when I am trapped in front of a group of people who are yammering at me, wanting to know how much weight I've lost and how good it must feel

As when I am honest, I am doubted

No one wants to hear the truth

Or rather, they want the sanitized version of the truth

And I'm tried of the superficiality of it all

And I want my security blanket back

I want to be the invisible fat girl again

Not in actuality

I just want to blend into a crowd

That is why I feel most comfortable in places that only know me post-Roosevelt, as my current self is all that they have a reference point for

I just feel as though I am stuck on a teeter-totter, trying to find some type of balance in my life

And it is frustrating that after all of the changes, physical and mental, I still feel this way

I am 95% certain I can not be the only person who has lost a significant amount of weight that feels this way

Yet, I do feel isolated, as it seems that those of us in this club, the extreme weight loss club, don't talk about how we truly feel, because no one wants to hear the reality

They want the fairy tale version

And at some point, people have got to realize that fairy tale endings are not happy endings

So, for now, I speak my truth

And learn to live in this new body, which looks like me, but is not me