He's told us not to blow it 'Cause he knows it's all worthwhile

Fat kid mentality.

Even at the age of 38, I've still got it

I went to the beach this past weekend and upon setting foot on the sand, immediately started scanning the crowd

I was not looking for eye candy. Nor was I looking for a good spot to set up camp for the day

I was spotting for bullies.

As I was in fear of being made fun of the moment I took my baggy t-shirt off and bared my swimsuit clad body to the world

I also was looking around me, putting thought bubbles over the heads of the beach-goers closest to me, imagining what was going through their minds as they looked at me

I assumed my pasty white skin was being mocked

As well as my flabby upper arms

And let's just throw in my thighs and stomach

I also assumed that they looked at me and were glad that I didn't subscribe to the philosophy that everyone has a bikini body and spared them the sight of me in a two piece

For me, this is all part of the fat kid mentality

This is the result of being bullied for years

I don't enter a new situation and feel at ease

I enter a arena that is unfamiliar to me, whether it be the beach or a meeting for work or even church and feel my shoulders tense with worry

As I wait to be mocked for my appearance

As I wait to be told that I'm nothing but a fat blob

As I wait to to be told that I talk funny

As I wait to be told that I'm not worthy

You get the picture

And even after years of therapy, major weight loss and knowing that I am loved beyond measure by Him, I still worry, I still brace myself for ridicule

Even at age 38, having lost 100 pounds, I am still the chubby little girl who got teased in school

I am still the obese teenager who did not get asked to the junior or senior prom

I am the fat college girl who did not have her first kiss until the age of 19

I am the fat grad student who was told by a man she asked out that he couldn't be seen in public with her

I am the 26 year girl who was told by the boy she loved that he would marry her if nothing better came along

I am the 37 year old who got openly teased by a teenager and her mother in the middle of the grocery store for wearing bright pink tights and cowboy boots

I am used to being different. I am used to being told that I look different. From the moment I was born, with a full head of black hair, I stood out from my family

And while I embrace all the pieces that compose the walking mosaic that I am, it's not always easy

I love that I don't care about following the status quo

I embrace that what I consider to be fun isn't what others think of first for a good time

I like the way I dress

And so on

And then, I think about trying to transform myself

I contemplate cutting off my hair, dyeing it dark brown, almost black

Giving away my t-shirts that have kittens wearing glasses and say self-rescuing princess across the chest

Never wearing my glasses, always putting my contacts in

Forcing myself to go out to bars and dance clubs

Giving up the identity that I have acquired over the past 38 years in an attempt to fit in better

All because of that worry I feel when I step in those foreign to me arenas. The fact that I brace myself to be teased. The fact that I brace myself for rejection.

The fat kid mentality that is inherently part of my being, no matter how hard I fight to lose it

No matter how physically small I get

I'm still always going to have the fat kid inside of me

And that is okay, because it's part of who I am. And regardless of what the fat kid tries to tell me, I am worthy.

I just can't let the fat kid overtake all of me

It is something I will always struggle with. The trick is learning to not listen to her.

Self-esteem is such a tricky thing

I wish I could go to some cosmic lost and found to see if mine is there, just waiting for me to reclaim it

However, then there are the days that I look at my hands and marvel at all they can do

I admire how strong and muscular my calves are

I revel in wearing size 10 pants that are baggy

I look at my stretch marks in awe of what they represent

I see my scars and am glad that I have them

For no matter how many times the fat kid that lives inside of me tries to convince me that I am flawed, I know I am not

I am fearfully and wonderfully made

And when I don't love me, that's okay, because my Father loves me

And when I do have this crippling moments of fear, of self loathing, etc, they don't last for long, as I am loved and accepted by the One who matters most

He simply loves me. And it's from that knowledge, that unwavering confidence of knowing that He loves me, that is what carries me

His love washes away the doubt

His love makes the struggle worthwhile

And as crazy as it sounds, as much as the fat kid drives me bonkers, I love her, because He loved her and took care of her when she was convinced she was unloveable