So today I hit a huge goal on my weight loss journey.
Or at least realized I made this goal, as I do not weigh myself regularly at all anymore
Yet, I was getting ready for work, found myself near my scale and figured I'd hop on, as I was scantily clad and realized the results three numbers that would flash on the scale's display would be close to accurate
And I got on the scale.
And saw a number that was ten pounds lower than I thought I'd see, as I was convinced I knew what three numbers would pop up, as I have been seeing the same three numbers every freaking time I weighed myself for the past five months
I then did what any logical lifelong dieter would do
I moved the scale to see if the same result would appear
After moving the scale half a dozen times, with the same result, I allowed myself to get excited
Over 17 months after having 3/4 of my stomach removed, 17 months of eating extremely small amounts, 17 months of not knowing if my food would stay down, 17 months of having to pull over on the side of the highway to vomit, 17 months of randomly waking up, covered in cold sweat thanks to low blood sugars, 17 months of living off refried beans and protein shakes as they are the two foods I could trust to not cause adverse reactions, 17 months of completely overhauling my life, giving up my addiction to food cold turkey, I achieved a milestone goal
100 pounds gone
100 pounds equals a two month old horse
100 pounds equals five car tires
100 pounds equals four average two year olds
It's kind of a big deal, I guess
And in my excitement, as I had been stalled in my weight loss for so long, I figured I'd post on Facebook
Of course, I'm racking up likes and compliments
Yet, I find myself feeling embarrassed that I chose to publicly brag about my weight loss
In my mind, I've achieved things that are more impressive than losing 100 pounds.
two masters degrees
winning national awards for my writing
And so on, but I also have to remember that I don't brag about that on Facebook
I am loving the support I am receiving. It is why I decided to post
Yet, I'll be honest...at this point, there is only one comment that made me cry happy tears
Someone I knew when I was attending grad school to get my MFA in playwriting, a boy I had had a crush on, but one that told me he would never date me, he commented on my status "I hit the like button but I like you any way you are."
Because I had convinced myself so long that I was unlikable or unlovable because of my weight
And learning that I was wrong, even over a decade later, it all helps me heal
And I am now glad that I chose to post about the weight loss
Losing the 100 pounds has not fixed my past. Nor is it magically changing my life.
Yet, what I am gaining in the process is changing my life.
Losing to gain...sounds so perplexing
And I don't regret that this weight loss has come for me at this point in my story, because this is the right time for me to be experiencing all of this. This is when it needed to happen.
And I recently decided to try online dating. Again. Ostensibly for a library program I am creating.
I have already deleted all of the profiles I created in the past two weeks, as the hits to my self esteem were not what I was needing.
(sidenote: the most offensive comment I got was from some buffoon who misread my profile and asked me why I was planning to vote for Trump)
And I realized that I have a calling to do more with my life than be someone's girlfriend.
And thus ended this online dating adventure
I know that I have reached this point because I am meant to do more with my life than settle
As I was trying to convince myself that it would be okay if I never reached the 100 pound milestone. That I could settle for losing less than my goal.
And I'm not going to settle ever again
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