as small as a mustard seed

From the moment I decided to purse weight loss surgery, I had been adamant that I did not expect losing weight to magically change my life.

I was staunch in my belief. I had lost weight before. Nothing changed but my pant size.

Books and movies that portrayed weight loss as this cure all for happiness frustrated me.

Yet, I have been proven wrong.

My life has changed since losing weight.

I am not dating a millionaire and lead a life like Kim Kardashian's

This time, this weight loss experience, things are different.

Not just because I had weight loss surgery

Working on the why of what made me gain weight

Working on the diseases that caused my weight gain

Doing more than just exercising and counting calories.

Facing the harsh reality that I have an addiction and need to work every single second of every single day to maintain my sobriety is that biggest change

As well as the clarity that this sobriety has brought me.

I am finally willing to admit that alongside of my lifelong addiction to food, I suffer from trauma, depression, anxiety and a laundry list of other issues.

Owning the fact that I'm a virtual crazy quilt is part of what makes me who I am.

Learning to love myself how I am is the second hardest part of this process.

Just today,as I was working on an email for my beloved icuTalks, I was looking through photographs from our conference.

I was horrified when I saw some of the pictures of me.

My Achilles heel is my double chin. It kills me that after losing 100 pounds, I still have this glob of fat around my neck.

If there was such a thing as genies, my first wish would be to have this glob removed

I see these pictures and and just shake my head in disgust

Yet, the other week at church, in the nursery, I was holding a fussy 5 month old, who found comfort in grabbing my neck, so what I hate, others enjoy

And working with those children helps me love myself, as strange as that may sound

Another day in the toddler room, as Lexa, one of my favorite little girls sat on my lap, I chatted with my fellow adult volunteer on how I needed to work on firming my stomach.

Lexa turned to look at me, shook her head and then nestled into my stomach.

To her, I'm perfect the way I am.

And I try to see myself the way those kids see me, because they don't care how I look. They care about the way I make them feel. They love me for who I am.

I sometimes think that God himself is speaking to me through these children.

And the fact that I mention God at all is the biggest reason that my life has changed since losing weight

A year ago, I was hungry.

Not for food.

I was starving because I knew I was lacking something in my life.

And against my better judgement, I walked through the doors of Mosaic Church.

After one hour, I knew I what I needed to nourish myself.

And a year later, I can't imagine my life being any other way than it is now.

My church is such an integral part of who I am.

I walk in and I feel at peace.

I walk in and I'm not lonely.

I walk in, angry, shaking with rage and my soul is soothed.

A year ago, I would have laughed myself sick over the idea I would be attending church

Now, it's not even a question.

If I don't go to church on Sunday, my week is off

This knowledge of belonging, this love I have rediscovered, it fills me more then I could ever describe.

For someone who spent almost 37 years feeling like an outsider, it is humbling

For I have raged at the Lord. I have had told him I did not believe in Him. I told Him he had let me down. I abandoned Him.

And He still loves me. He still accepts me. I am still His.

And that faith, that knowledge, it carries me.

It bring me to my knees with gratitude daily.

So, yes, my life did change.

In ways I never dreamed possible.

And because I had a tiny kernel of hope that one day I would find a place I truly belonged, I walked into Mosaic last year.

Praise the Lord that I never completely lost that hope