Don't tell me why nothing is good enough

"I didn't realize you were so tall" my co-worker said to me as I stood next to him during a work retreat.

I quickly showed him that I was wearing shoes with a bit of a heel on them and told him "Sorry. Not as tall as you might think"

"But you are still pretty tall"

"Sorry. I am a bit of an Amazon"

The conversation went on a bit longer, but I'll spare you. Point is, once more, I found myself apologizing for my appearance.

All because of what was most likely an innocent comment that I took as criticism

I have spent so much time apologizing for who I am. For how I look. For my vocabulary. For my habits. For what I do or don't eat. For existing.

There's nothing wrong with being as tall as I am

There's nothing wrong with being as socially awkward as I can be

There's nothing wrong with being an animal lover

There's nothing wrong with reading books while on the beach

There's nothing wrong with using big words

There's nothing wrong with wearing my glasses more than my contacts

There's nothing wrong with not slathering myself in scented lotions

There's nothing wrong with me

Yet, I find myself apologizing for being who I am more often than not

And lately, I find myself doubting who I am more than I have in a while

I feel off. I feel as those I am playing a role that I did not audition for, but somehow got cast in

Or that I'm really emulating the expression "fake it until you make it"

I have no idea where this occasionally crippling doubt has sprung from

Part of me worries it is because it has taken me so long to do the work I needed to do on myself

If I had started trying to love myself a lot earlier than I did, would I be in a better place now?

I just don't feel good enough in various arenas of my life

Of when I feel competent in one, the other areas become a chaotic free for all

A lot of it is guilt I feel for saying no to favors that are asked of me. Putting my needs first.

Or the fact that while I'm fairly open, I still have skeletons hidden in my closet that I never want to let out, but know the time is coming to release those dragons

It's odd to be in a place where I feel so utterly content, yet uncomfortable at the same time

Just when I think I have fully accepted myself, I find myself apologizing for being the height I am, the height that I have no control over.

Inherently, I know there is nothing wrong with me, that I don't need to apologize for being who I am

I may not perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for, the way I am. The way I was knit together in my mother's womb

Yet I still don't feel good enough, whatever that may mean

And that most days, I do a pretty good job of portraying myself as a confident woman

But I can't shake the feeling that it's all an act

I know this feeling will pass. And if it doesn't, I will learn how to live with it.

Because there is nothing wrong with me.

I am who I am

I'm liked by many, loved by some

And what some see as my flaws, others see as my strengths

For some I am not good enough

For some I am good enough

For some, I am more than good enough

I just have to tell myself that I am good enough.

The trick is to get myself to believe it 99% of the time